Communicating effectively - Stop. Think. Talk. Listen. Resolve.

Communicating effectively

Stop. Think. Talk. Listen. Resolve.

Communication is essential to building healthy relationships. When trying to convey an important message or discuss a difficult topic, how we deliver the message can affect how it is received. Below are some useful tips to consider when communicating:

Face it. When having a serious talk it is important to conduct your conversation face to face. It may be best to avoid sending emails, text messages or writing it down because written messages can often be misinterpreted and the person may miss the message you are trying to convey. 

Timing. Is there something important you would like to discuss with your partner, boss or friend? When wanting to have a serious conversation it is imperative to find the right timing to bring up your thoughts and feelings. For instance, if you are upset with your spouse, it is probably not best to have a serious conversation when they are getting ready for bed or appear stressed after a bad day at work. It may also not be best to attempt to have a serious conversation with your boss when you are in a meeting with other employees. Instead, share with your spouse or boss that you would like to talk and find an appropriate time to share. 

Avoid Attacking. When a person feels they are being attacked they will often shut down all lines of communication and go into defense mood. Remember your goal is to resolve the problem and not prolong the issue or make things worse. Be careful of the words you choose to avoid the person feeling attacked. For example, try using words such as “I” or “we” versus “you”. 

Stay Humble. No one is perfect, so we cannot expect others to be. Instead, remain open and honest with your feelings. Don’t be afraid to apologize instead of making excuses if you made a mistake. Being humble can help you to feel better about yourself and further strengthen your relationship. 

Watch your Movements. Be aware of your body language when speaking to others. Notice your posture and your use of eye contact. Are you looking away from them when you speak? Are you slouching down? These non-verbal forms of communication indicate signs of passivity and insecurity. Instead, make eye contact when speaking and sit-up or stand up straight. Show your confidence behind your words, as well as demonstrate that you listening. Don’t play with your phone or take calls when having an important conversation. 

Stop. Think. Talk. Listen. Resolve. When you are angry it is especially important to take extra precautions when communicating. Stop and take a step back and allow yourself the opportunity to cool down. Think about why you are upset? Can the situation be resolved? When you are ready, talk it out. Listen,  allow the other person the opportunity to share. Resolve - Apologies aren’t enough, resolve how the two of you will handle things differently in the future.

Using these tips may help us to open the lines of communication. Thus, strengthening the relationships we have. Try it out!

Written By: Lara Pomnitz, graduate level intern.

Edited by Charity Loring, LMSW Loring Therapy, LLC http://www.loringtherapy.com/

Adapted from:                                                                                   .

Appreciating You - It's not Selfish, it's Self Preservation

How many times a day do you tell yourself, “Wow, I am so awesome!?” Probably not enough. On the other hand, how many times can you recall thinking, “I’m so stupid”, or “I can’t do this”? Negative self-talk can be self-defeating and can take a big toll over our emotional-wellbeing. 

An example of negative self-talk would be telling yourself “I’m not smart enough to get this job”.  Telling yourself this may prevent you from applying. When we feed ourselves negative talk we limit our possibilities.  Furthermore, negative self-talk can leave us feeling depressed, anxious, angry or upset. The first step to appreciating you, is to challenge your negative thinking. 

If you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, don’t say it to yourself. Would you tell someone you love “you are so stupid” or “you can’t do anything right”? Probably not. How do you think that would make them feel? Hurt, angry, upset? When we make negative comments like “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough”, we are in turn hurting our own feelings and damaging our own emotional-wellbeing. Instead of negative talk, ask yourself what would someone I love say to me?

Try it out:

Take a moment to reflect on the past week and identify a time where you found yourself feeling bad about yourself. What did you tell yourself? (Write this down) Now, what do you think a loved one you respect would tell you about what you wrote? (Write this down)

• Example: You say: "I completely messed up that project, I am such a failure" . Your loved one says: “You may not have done as well as you would have liked, but that does not make you a failure”.

Embrace your imperfections. Free yourself and let go. Make a mistake, learn from it  and move on. But don’t forget to smile because you are imperfect like everyone else, but you are also unique and full of strengths as well.

Written By: Lara Pomnitz, graduate level intern.

Edited by Charity Loring, LMSW Loring Therapy, LLC http://www.loringtherapy.com/

Forming New Positive Habits can replace old Negative Habits

Have you ever decided you wanted to do something to improve yourself but just didn’t know where to start? How many of us have struggled to follow-through with a new goal? The key, rests within our own conscious minds. Think for a minute, have you ever told yourself “From now on, I’m going to start going to the gym!”, or “Todays the day I’ll quit smoking!” How many of us actually succeed? To work towards ridding ourselves of old negative habits, we need to replace them with new positive habits. Research suggests that it takes a minimum of 21 days to form a new habit. For example, if you want to start a habit of walking daily, tell yourself “I’m going to walk every night, for 30 minutes for the next 21 days”. Research shows that if you carry-out your new habit for 21 days in a row, you are more likely to continue even after the 21^st day.

Below are some positive habits to give a try: (Remember the key is to carry-out your new habit for 21 days in a row)

• Take 3 minutes each day to contemplate everything you are thankful for.
• Take 5 minutes each day to practice deep breathing.
• Take 10 minutes a day to consider options to a problem then take action towards finding a solution.
• Take 15 minutes each morning to meditate before you start your day.
• Spend 10 minutes outside each day to appreciate the beauty surrounding you. 
• Perform one small act of kindness for someone else every day.

Keep in mind that we’re all different and some of us may take longer to form a new positive habit and some of us may take less. So don’t beat yourself up if you fall off track, get back up and keeping moving!

Written By: Lara Pomnitz, graduate level intern.

Edited by Charity Loring, LMSW Loring Therapy, LLC http://www.loringtherapy.com/

Why take a Solo Trip?

Why Take a Solo Trip?

I will admit there is nothing like traveling with others for camaraderie. Human connection and shared experiences have a magic all their own.

But traveling alone has a unique magic to it as well. It brings about:

1. Balance

2. Your own version of fun.

3. Heightens the mind with Problem solving skills and Critical thinking. 

4. Let's you get to know yourself and the world around you better.

Sure it gets a little lonely and your mind tends to wander to others sometimes... But for me, the good outweighs the bad.

The Good:

Balance

When else do you have multiple days to please no one but yourself? You get to move at your own pace the entire time. No rushing and no worrying about another persons timeline. You get to luxuriate in laziness and get motivated by things you truly want to explore. Sometimes you get tired of the laziness, sometimes you get tired of the exploring, so then you learn how to balance it all out.

Your own version of fun.

You may not even know what your own version of fun is. And that's perfectly OK. You may be used to traveling with others and doing things that they would like to do or finding compromises. There's nothing wrong with that with those things. But when you travel solo, you truly get a sense of what you enjoy doing, so then you start to learn your own version of fun.

Heightens the mind.

Traveling by yourself makes you more aware of your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes people want to escape these two things by getting lost in distraction. But really, if you don't have anyone else to vent to, or every day life to get in the way, you are faced with resolving those thoughts and feelings so you can then go about enjoying your trip.

Traveling alone also heightens your critical thinking skills. You become a lot more resourceful and creative when you have only yourself to rely on. In essence, traveling with yourself makes you learn more about, well,  yourself.

Getting to know yourself and the world around you better.

Solo Trips make you more aware of your  surroundings...

The quaintness of small towns, the emotions you have when they are stirred by the lyrics and sounds of your favorite music, the wind in your hair, the wildlife chattering and scurrying about you, the friendliness of a smile, or a hello (that you experience often while camping and hiking), children's laughter, annoying car alarms, old men that meet in groups for breakfast and talk mostly about observations but rarely discuss  feelings, women that meet one on one for lunch that talk mostly about their feelings with a small smattering of observations, couples who are opposites, couples who are alike, the friendliness of people who are in the present moment with you and rudeness of people who are lost in their own heads and egos and won't be there with you and self awareness of how you choose to feel and react to friendliness and rudeness. 

We have all tricked ourselves into thinking that we should not travel alone. Some concerns are safety (which can be addressed with realistic planning), fear of the unknown, and thinking that it can't be enjoyed unless others are around. But don't take my word for it, experience a solo trip yourself and see what happens.

Author- Charity M. Loring, LMSW

Loringtherapy.com

Parentification- AKA- Parentified Child

Form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the family’s other children.

Backlash: Due to being treated like an adult, the child will not be able to relate to peers as a child. Not relating to peers can continue into adulthood. The child will be forced to make their own rules in an immature state due to lack of parenting. The rules they create do not integrate well into society leaving the child to consistently feel like an outsider. 

The child is at high risk in developing explosive anger or withdraw, control issues, neglecting their own emotional needs, severe trust issues,  lack of coping skills (due to the lack of being taught proper coping skills by a parent and having to develop them on their own), lack of developing close emotional relationships, depression, anxiety, social anxiety and suicide. These issues continue to follow the child into adulthood if not treated by a licensed Therapist.

Author: 

Charity M. Loring, LMSW

Loringtherapy.com

What is the difference between Hypnosis and Hypnotherapy? Think of a Dandelion…

Hypnosis - A state of consciousness where your conscious mind and subconscious mind are working together.The Induction is a format of getting to that state of consciousness. You enter this state of mind naturally throughout your day when you are daydreaming or maybe driving on the highway thinking of something subconsciously but you are still conscious enough to drive. Hypnosis has temporary effects as a Hypnotist has no formal education in being a licensed Therapist.

Hypnotherapy - Combines the power of Hypnosis with a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Therapist who has the proper training and knowledge to provide therapy to the client in a focused and open state of using the conscious and subconscious. Hypnotherapy helps you connect with your genuine need and designs an effective strategy to fulfill that need. 

Dandelion Analogy - Your bad habit or life problem is like a dandelion in your yard. Trying to solve it with hypnosis is like pulling off the top of the weed and leaving its roots in the ground. For a time, you won’t see a dandelion in that spot on your lawn, but as the rain falls and the sun shines, that dandelion will grow back. Hypnotherapy is like digging out the weed by its root so that it will never grow back again.

Codependancy

Codependency

Codependency happens when someone else becomes the center of our thoughts, decisions, actions, behaviors, etc.  When we suffer from codependency we lose the relationship we have with ourselves.  Our sense of self is blurred by our need to focus on another person.  Some common signs of codependency are low self-esteem, people-pleasing behavior, denial, poor communication, and obsessive thoughts. 

Codependency is a prevalent problem, but there are some key things you can do to overcome your codependency and recover a healthy relationship with yourself.  These things are:

• Bring your attention back to yourself.  Get in touch with your own thoughts and beliefs.  

• Be aware of your codependency and acknowledge when you’re having codependent thoughts.  By identifying your codependent issues you can being to change them.

• Accept yourself.  Self-acceptance and self-care are essential in conquering codependency.  When you start to accept your inherent value and realize that you have the capacity to care for yourself, change can happen.  Self-acceptance fosters a healthier relationship with ourselves and with others.

• Take action.  Once you become aware of your codependency issues start taking steps to change them.  Remember that these things don’t change overnight, start small and tackle one thing at a time.

Most of us have dealt with codependency at one point or another in our lives, so don’t feel ashamed or guilty if you’re struggling.  Start implementing the steps above and you’ll be on the road to a healthier you!

Written by: Amanda Furca, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy LLC

loringtherapy.com

Adapted from the Psych Central article, “Recovering from Codependency” 

By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

URL:  http://psychcentral.com/lib/recovery-from-codependency/00014956

Spring Cleaning for the Mind

The beginning of spring means big changes for most. Planting flowers, spending weekends outside, and of course cleaning one’s home. Another task one should consider this time of year is spring cleaning of the mind. Making changes in one’s life to alleviate the stress built up through the winter months. Here are some tips to get your mind and clean and healthy as your living room!

• Plan out some quiet time. Take some time out of your day to reflect on the things that weigh heavy on your heart. Go for a walk, meditate, or do yoga, anything that allows you to self-reflect. Take a break from technology and take a moment to think about how you want to feel in both your life and relationships. 
• Write a Journal. To clear out your emotional space, write what you are feeling down. Doing this makes emotions seems more manageable and allows one to see them from a different perspective. 
• Let go of a grudge. Letting go of a grudge frees up emotional space that could be invested in other positive avenues. 
• Give an apology. If you feel unsettled about what you did to someone, offer them a sincere apology. Doing so removes unnecessary discomfort for you and allows you to repair those damaged connections with others. 
• Forgiving your faults. Most of the time it is easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive ourselves. Dwelling on your past shortcomings clutters your present emotional space. Focus on forgiving your shortcomings that way you can focus your emotional energy on other more positive things. 
• Tell your Truth. Being willing to be emotionally honest with those you love allows you to build better connections with them. Make it a priority to be honest about how you’re feeling. 

Written By: Jenai Muhammad, graduate level intern, Loring Therapy, LLC www.loringtherapy.com Adapted from: http://www.sharecare.com/health/stress-reduction/article/6-ways-to-spring-clean-your-mind 

Balancing Work and Life

Our careers and what we do for a living are important to us. We are committed to our jobs and want to excel within the work place. The struggle of being committed to our work is that at times it can take priority over the rest of our lives. This can cause stress and exhaustion within us and make working unpleasant. Here are some ways to keep the commitments of work and the rest of your life in balance. 

• Be open about your needs. Identify what truly matters to you and communicate it, don’t hide what things need to happen to keep you balanced. Communicate these needs to managers and be willing to make a compromise. 
• Respect your boundaries. If you set boundaries for work-life balance, stick to them! You may be tempted to answer that call after work hours or reply back to the email at 4am, but you should stay focused on the boundaries you have set. If you can’t respect you boundaries how will anyone else be able to? 
• Understand what really matters. Focus and prioritize your work load on what really matters most to the company and complete those tasks first. Yes, the company picnic may need planning however the monthly metrics are more important. Utilize your time by working on the most important tasks that way when the work day is done you can walk away without feeling the need to complete things on off hours. 
• Embrace the off button. Every piece of technology you have has an off button, your phone, your tablet, so use it. Having a moment where you disconnect can be quite liberating. It may be difficult at first because we all are used to being connected, however with practice you will be able to embrace that disconnect. 
• Pace yourself. To have a happy healthy life you have to pace yourself. There are times when you may need to move life along faster than others, but it’s all about self-awareness. Keeping a good pace through life will allow you to not only enjoy your destination, but also the journey. 

Written By: Jenai Muhammad, graduate level intern

Edited By: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

Loring Therapy, LLC www.loringtherapy.com 

Adapted from: http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/235427 

Letting Go of the Past: Looking to the Future

We are often unable to see beyond our past indiscretions or traumas.  Grief, guilt, shame, loss, mistakes, secrets, and lies are just some of the issues that keep us locked into those dark places we once visited.  It’s so easy for us to dwell on things from our past, but what we don’t often realize is the impact this type of thinking can have on our well-being.  Our inability to let go of the past prohibits us from truly embracing and living our present and future.   

It’s not as though we need to erase our memories, we just need to figure out how to let go of the emotional turmoil that may accompany them.  Living in the present and planning for the future can be obtained by starting to incorporate the following things:

• Envision your future and set goals to aid traveling into that future.

• Get rid of things that are keeping you bound to the past.  Simplify your life by simplifying your environment.  Do you have 30 broken watches with plans to fix them all?  Do you really need them? Unless you’re in the watch repair business, probably not.  This process can be overwhelming, so start with three piles for your belongings labeled as:  keep, discard, or donate/give.  Remember to envision your future during this process, to ask for support from friends and family, and try to employ rational thinking when you become emotional.

• Make amends for the things you may have done that still plague your thoughts.  Recognize your remorse, your mistake, your pain, or the pain you’ve caused others.  Reach out to those people.  This may not fix broken relationships, but you can move forward with the knowledge that you genuinely tried to make amends for the past.

• Reframe your perspective.  We are not simply puppets, we have the power to change how we react, how we cope, and how we move forward.  This takes time and persistence, but we absolutely can change the way we think and how that thinking affects our behavior.

• Forgive those who have hurt you and forgive yourself.  Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you were letting them off the hook for what they did to Brong you. Sometimes forgiveness just means that you are letting go of a heavy burden so you can move forward. We all make mistakes, we all hurt one another.  In order to be present in your life every day, you have to let go.  Try to make things right to the best of your ability, acknowledge other people and yourself, and keep moving forward towards your future.

• Be mindful.  Start living in the present by recognizing your thoughts and surroundings as they’re happening.  This will help to curb the desire to wander back into our past.  Mindfulness will also help you better understand your emotions and responses to them.  The key here is to be non-judgmental, simply work to identify your thoughts and sensations not to criticize them.  

If you need help from someone who is supportive, knowledgeable and objective, consider contacting a local therapist. If you can start to incorporate these behaviors into your life then you’ll be able to say goodbye to the past.  You’ll be able to welcome healthier relationships with other people and a healthier relationship with yourself.  Remember to be kind to yourself and to others as you navigate this process.  Good luck!

Written by: Amanda Furca, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy LLC

Edited by: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

loringtherapy.com

Adapted from the Psychology Today Article, “Let It Go,” by Judith Sills, Ph.D.

URL:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201410/let-it-go

Encouragement works better than Discouragement - Address your Self Loathing

Sometimes in life we are hard on ourselves. We want to be perfect and excel in everything and get disappointed when that doesn’t happen. It’s understandable to have those feelings sometimes; however self-loathing and hate shouldn’t become an everyday habit because encouragement works better than discouragement. Self Loathing affects your self-esteem and motivation to accomplish things in life. If self-loathing is something you do more often times than not, here are some steps to move forward and treat yourself in a more healthy and positive way. 

1. Forget Perfection. Many times we fall into a cycle of self-loathing due to a distorted view of ourselves. We hold ourselves to unrealistically high standards that make achieving our goals difficult. Stop comparing yourself to other people and their accomplishments and focus on your own personal self-growth. Recognize that your uniqueness is just as important as everyone else’s. 
2. Discover your self-loathing triggers. Certain situations and behaviors can trigger your self-loathing thoughts. Work to identify what those triggers are and avoid or address those situations. Doing so will help you handle and decrease your self-loathing behavior. 
3. Use positive coping mechanisms. Most self-loathing thoughts are attached to unhealthy and negative coping mechanisms like drinking or over-eating. Replace these mechanisms with something more positive like exercise or meditation. 
4. Practice daily affirmations. Giving yourself daily encouragement verbally, mentally or in the written word will really combat your self-loathing.  Everyday affirm something positive to yourself and carry that with you throughout the day as a reminder to not self-loath. An example would be “Although I make mistakes sometimes, I know I’m a good person”. 

Written By: Jenai Muhammad, graduate level intern, Loring Therapy, LLC

Edited By: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

www.loringtherapy.com 

Adapted from: http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Hating-Yourself 

10 Ways to Improve Your Mental Health

In a world where we are constantly overwhelmed with the stressors of work, school, family, finances, health, transportation, time management, etc., it’s so easy to neglect our mental health.  The following suggestions are ten fairly simple things we can incorporate into our routines that can significantly improve our mental health.

1. Mind your body – the body and mind work in tandem, a healthy body promotes a healthy mind and vice versa.
2. Volunteer – volunteering can boost your self-esteem and it also allows you to socialize, help others and learn more about your community.
3. Relax more – life can be busy, make sure to find time for relaxation.
4. Associate with positive people – surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family helps to maintain our mental health.  Make sure you have enough positive people in your life and be mindful of how much time you spend with folks who consistently have a negative attitude.  
5. Eliminate bad habits – ditch or manage moderation with the tobacco, alcohol, fast food, or any other short-term pleasure provider.  They have long-lasting negative effects on our body and mental health.
6. Ask for help when needed – don’t struggle alone, reach out and let people help you. This benefits you but also gives loved ones an opportunity to play a more important role in your life.
7. Do more of what makes you happy – it’s easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life! Don’t forget about the things that you love to do and make time to fit them in.  Making yourself happy puts you in a good mood and in turn makes others around you more happy.
8. Set life goals – take the time to think about your life and where you want it to go.  Set realistic life goals and design a manageable path to reach them.
9. Keep a diary – writing in a diary has multiple benefits.  Journaling can help you process your emotions, it allows you to put a focus on positives, negatives and all the emotions in between.  Journaling can act as a release for negative energy, it can help you identify triggers for your anxiety or depression, and it can help you to gain a better perspective on issues you’re dealing with.
10. Communicate more – communicate freely with the people in your life.  The more you communicate, the easier it is to recognize issues with yourself or with those you care about.  Communication allows for you to give and receive support from the people in your life and strengthen bonds in your relationships by better understanding yourself and others.

While these things may seem trivial, impossible, or even ridiculous to some of us, they can make a big difference in your quality of life.  Try to work past any skepticism you have and work to incorporate these things into your life.  They’re simple things that can go a long way to help you feel better mentally and physically.  Good luck!

Written by: Amanda Furca, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy LLC

loringtherapy.com

Edited by: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

Adapted from the PsychCentral Blog:

“10 Quick & Easy Ways to Improve Your Mental Health,”

By Paul Jenkins

URL: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/06/30/10-quick-easy-ways-to-improve-your-mental-health/

Dancing alleviates Stress, Depression and Anxiety

Are you struggling with stress and depression?  Research suggests that dancing can help to reduce your depression and stress.  The focus and physical exertion of dance is capable of reducing cortisol which is known as the “stress hormone.”  Dancing in general is shown to have positive effects on our mental health.  If you’ve tried meditation, mindfulness, or breathing exercises and found they don’t work for you, maybe it’s time to get out your dancing shoes. 

Dancing alone can reduce stress, but structured dancing with choreography or with a partner indicate higher levels of success in depression and stress reduction due to the mind and body working together by using cerebral and cognitive thought processes along with muscle memory.  If you’re dancing at home remember to focus on the music and your body, let your emotions go.  If you’re able to, join a dance class or take tango or ballroom dancing lessons with a friend or partner.  

Written by: Amanda Furca, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy LLC

Edited by: Charity M. Loring LLMSW

loringtherapy.com

Adapted from the PsychCentral Blog:

“Dance Away Stress and Depression,”

By Christy Matta, MA

URL: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/dbt/2010/07/dance-away-stress-and-depression/

Divorce Self-Care

Coping with Depression after Divorce

 

​Divorce is no easy situation.  It often brings many mixed emotions, including depression.  If not managed, this depression can spiral out of control into a chronic affliction.  Some tips to help you cope with life after divorce are:

• Write a goodbye letter to all of the things you’ll no longer have due to the divorce.  From in-laws to waking up next to someone daily, write it all down in a goodbye letter.

• Write a hello letter, analyze your life and recognize all of the things you will have stemming from your divorce.  From more time to yourself to not sharing the television remote, write it all down in a hello letter.

• Try to get physical contact.  Hug your friends and family more, get massages, or manicures/pedicures.  

• Analyze your internal dialogue.  If you find that the dialogue is negative and self-loathing, change the conversation.  Be kind to yourself and be mindful of avoiding the negativity you may have towards yourself as you move forward.

• Think about what you want for yourself.  Where will you be in one yearr?

 

These tips may help you transition by providing a sense of closure to your marriage while welcoming a new life, goals, and dreams.  Take this time to be self-reflective.  Try to get in touch with who you are as an individual and determine where you want to take your life.  Take small steps and remember to be good to yourself.  Accept support and ask for help if you need it.  Getting a handle on your emotional turmoil early on is the key to prevent it from becoming debilitating.  If it seems it is difficult to manage your emotions in regards to divorce, you may want to consider getting the professional help of a mental health therapist. Divorce is not easy, but remember these exercises and tips and try to utilize them in your coping process!  

 

​

 

Written by: Amanda Furca, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy LLC

Edited by: Charity M Loring, LMSW

loringtherapy.com

Adapted from the Psych Central article, “How To Deal With Depression After Divorce: 5 Actionable Tips,” by YourTango Experts.

URL:  http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/12/04/how-to-deal-with-depression-after-divorce-5-actionable-tips/

Forgiveness. Why & How?

There have been many times in our lives that people have hurt us, made us unhappy etc. Whatever the situation may be, it is always important to forgive so that we can release the burden or hurt, anger or resentment from ourselves. Usually, holding onto these things hurts us more than it does the other person. Forgiving is sometimes easier said than done though. Below are the benefits of forgiveness and steps to forgive. 

Benefits of forgiving 

• Healthier Relationships
• Less stress, anxiety, and hostility 
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Stronger immune system 
• Higher Self-esteem 

How to Reach a State of Forgiveness 

• Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being.
• Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance during a certain situation in your past.
• Forgive the person, when you’re ready.
• Move away from your role as a victim and release the control the offending person or situation has had in your life up until this point. 
• If this is too difficult to do on your own, contact a Mental Health Therapist to help you process the hurt, anger or sadness brought on by this person or situation so you can work towards letting go of the past and empowering yourself to move forward in your life.

Written By: Jenai Muhammad, graduate level intern, Loring Therapy, LLC 

Edited by: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

www.loringtherapy.com 

Adapted from: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692 

You are not born with Inner Strength, You create it

In life we all have demands upon us as well as stresses, vulnerabilities, pain etc. that all require us to pull strength within ourselves to get through it. This task is sometimes easier said than done. Gaining and maintaining inner strength is important because it allows us to be more resilient to the hardships that life throws at us. Below are some steps we can take to gain inner strength. 

• Take time to reflect
• Spend some quiet time by yourself to reflect on the qualities that make you who you are. 
• Affirm those qualities
• What qualities make you unique? Turn those qualities into affirmations by making them “I am” statements. Choose 3 statements and repeat them every morning to yourself. 
• I am a good personI am caring
• I am loving and thoughtful
•  Learn to say “No”
• Never over-commit yourself. Knowing what you can and cannot do keeps you honest and true to yourself without building resentment towards others. 
• Do what gives you happiness
• Be happy in every decision you make and everything you choose to do. Keeping yourself happy is also keeping yourself strong. 
• Focus on the positive 
• Even in the worst situations, there is always some glimmer of hope or positivity. Choose to focus on the opportunity the situation presents or if it can be considered a learning experience. 
• Be open for the best
• Always keep an open and receptive mind. You never know what good is right around the corner! Prize yourself
• Always celebrate your personal “wins” in life. 
• Focus on the goodness of your intentions and actions. If you only put an emphasis on your failures, you may lose motivation to succeed.
• Say Thank You to life
• Be grateful for the things you have right now. Keeping at attitude of gratitude will help you get through life’s worst storms. 

Written By: Jenai Muhammad, graduate level intern, Loring Therapy, LLC

Edited By: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

 www.loringtherapy.com 

Adapted from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-naylor/12-ways-to-build-your-inn_b_224601.html 

Music & Mental Health

Music and Mental Health

Music is an integral part of our lives.  What we don’t often realize are the therapeutic benefits that are attached to music.  When we’re trying to study we often turn to classical music, if we’re exercising we turn to music with a steady beat, and at parties or social events we highlight music that evokes dance.  These are just a few examples of how music plays a role in our experiences.  

When we utilize music to help us deal with emotions, to encourage us to keep running, or as a tool to release anger, we’re using a healthy coping skill which can allow for focus or release. 

Try to pay attention to the music you turn to when you’re experiencing specific emotions.  How does it make you feel?  Be mindful of your reactions and emotional response so you can implement particular songs or types of music when you’re trying to tackle a specific task or emotion.  

Research indicates that while listening to music can significantly improve our moods, playing an instrument or creating music is also a great tool to harness and release emotions.  Creating music can not only improve your focus and brain function, it can allow for artistic release while often acting as a bridge to connect with others.  

Music can help us in so many endeavors on so many levels, but avoid listening to songs that may be triggering.  Just as music can help us to focus and cope, it can also trigger depression or anxiety.  If you notice certain music or songs are associated with a negative experience or if the music is unappealing to you, then be mindful of what songs or types of music you turn to when you are trying to improve mood or complete tasks. 

Music is a powerful tool, use it to your advantage as much as possible!  Happy listening and creating! 

Written by: Amanda Furca, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy LLC

Edited by: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

loringtherapy.com

Adapted from the article, “How Music Affects our Mood,” by Suzanne Boothby.

URL:  http://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-listening-to-music-lifts-or-reinforces-mood-051713#1

What is "Fly on the Wall" Therapy?

As a Mental Health Therapist, I sometimes practice a Couples Counseling Therapeutic Technique I created called "Fly on the Wall" Therapy.

What is "Fly on the Wall" Therapy?

"Fly on the Wall" Therapy is a technique used when the couple is in session with the Therapist but only 1 person gets to speak for 1/2 hour with the therapist while the other person observes. The last 1/2 hour of the session, both people have equal opportunity to communicate with the Therapist and each other.  The following session allows the next person to have the first 1/2 hour to communicate with the Therapist while the other person observes. Sometimes "Fly on the Wall" Therapy consists of dedicating the first 1/2 hour to one person, then the last 1/2 hour to the other person.

Why do this?

1. It fosters a safe environment for each person to express how they truly feel with a professional involved. 
There may be times when an individual may be fearful to express something important to their partner.  When a Therapist is present, it is the Therapist's job to make sure there are no interruptions or arguments and that the individual gets their due time in being heard. A professional Therapist makes sure that everything being communicated is done so in a respectful and open manner.

2. It teaches Active Listening.
Active Listening is a Counseling Technique where the Listener is attentive to what the other person is saying without interruption.  During active listening, the Listener is encouraged to try to not formulate their response until the other person is done talking. Once it is the Listeners time to speak, they will reflect back, without opinion, what the other person said while making eye contact with their partner. Once the reflection is done, then the Listener responds with their own opinion and feedback.

3.  Most times, in the first 1/2 hour, the Speaker tends to be very honest about their perspective on their partners actions AND their own actions.
When someone is in a Therapy Session where they know their perspective is being over heard, they tend to take more accountability for their actions than if their partner was not in the room. This allows for more self reflection and personal responsibility on the speakers end.

This Technique can also be used at home as a Therapeutic exercise for Couples.  Although there is not the participation of a professional to mediate, it is still a good exercise for practicing Active Listening and Personal Accountability.

Author: Charity M. Loring, LMSW
Ms. Loring is a Clinical Therapist in her Private Practice, Loring Therapy LLC.
Loring Therapy LLC is located in Garden City, MI.
www.loringtherapy.com

The 5 Languages of Love can help your relationships

The 5 languages of Love

It’s a fact that everyone needs to be loved. The complicated thing is that everyone prefers to be shown love in different ways. Some people like to be given complements, others like to be showered with gifts. Finding out what type of love language works best for you and others can strengthen your relationships. Communicate with your loved ones to find out exactly what their love language is. Gary D. Chapman wrote a book with an in-depth analysis of the 5 languages, but here is a quick overview of the 5 ways people like to be shown love! 

Words of Affirmation

If a loved one prefers words of affirmation that means they prefer spoken praise and appreciation. They enjoy being complemented on their work and feel the best and most appreciated when you do so. 

“Thank you for taking the trash out, I really appreciate it!”

Acts of Service

For those who prefer to be shown love in acts of service, to them actions speak louder than words. These people enjoy a person doing simple acts for them such as helping clean the house or offering to help them with a large project. 

“Oh don’t worry, I already cleaned the house for you.”

Receiving Gifts

For those who speak this language of love, nice surprises are what makes them happy. The gifts don’t need to be expensive, it’s more of the thought that counts. Little things like a homemade card or flowers will make those who speak this language feel loved the most.

“I was thinking about you today, so I stopped and picked up your favorite candy”

Quality Time

Those who speak the love language of quality time feel loved the most when you give them your undivided attention. Turning off the TV and really listening and conversing with them shows that you really care. 

“So how was your day?”

Physical Touch

There is an emotional power in human touch, and for those who speak this love language touch is the best way to show your love. Something as simple as a hug makes them feel loved and appreciated. 

“You looked like you had a bad day, give me a hug it will be ok” 

Although people experience multiple preferences in the love languages, we all tend to lean more towards one more than the others. 

So what love language do you prefer?

What love languages do you think your different loved ones prefer?

Written By: Jenai Muhammad, Graduate level intern, Loring Therapy, LLC

Edited By: Charity M. Loring, LMSW

 www.loringtherapy.com 

Adapted from: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages