Comparing Disconnects us from Others and Ourselves.

The activity of comparing yourself with others is a major trigger for a drop in self esteem, causing us to feel shame. Some people say that comparing sometimes helps them to become a better person. But if you are comparing yourself to another, and trying to be better than them, you are not becoming a better person, you're just trying to be better than someone else. This can cause disconnectedness.

The trouble is that when we compare ourselves with others,  our seeing is distorted. We become blind to our own value, while dismissing the real worth we already have. 

• Comparing is learned.

This comparing of ourselves we come by honestly. After all, we are raised in a society that teaches us to compare ourselves to others.

• Comparisons disconnect us from others. Whether we are introverted or extroverted, we all need to feel connected to others. When we compare, we ambush this possibility.

Less Than-

If we compare ourselves we can feel  less than, depressed, and then we want to withdraw from others so they won't see us as unlovable or incapable as we see ourselves. We end up feeling alone.

Better Than-

If we compare ourselves and feel that we are better than the other, we may feel superior and dismissive. And we are once again alone.

• The Good News: Comparing is a choice and can be unlearned. This will then connect us closer to other people.

When we are committed to our own well being, and recognize the harm we do to ourselves, we can learn to stop.

We can commit to telling ourselves something like, "I refuse to be so mean to myself (or the other). I am merely different from ____. I have my own unique value." And if you are in the superior mode you can add, "And they have their own unique value too."

At first it may be a struggle to replace your self talk. But with practice, often the hurtful comparisons will stop as soon as you recognize that you are making them.

If you find it difficult to change this by yourself, seeking out group therapy or individual therapy is helpful.

If YOU have found ways to stop comparing yourself, I'd love to hear what you did. I'm always looking for new ways to help people with this.

Written by Charity Loring, LMSW

Loring Therapy LLC

www.loringtherapy.com

Adapted from psychology today article, "how to wreck your self-esteem by comparing"