CONFIDENCE - You are not born with it, you Create it.

3 steps to Building Confidence

(Building Confidence is a natural treatment for Depression & Anxiety) 

Step 1:  Quick Fix - Creating confidence is a long term goal. To help keep you motivated, use positive reinforcers and create short term goals, AKA “Quick Fix’s” to encourage along the way. 

• Picture what your success would look like.
•  Be informed. Give yourself helpful knowledge through research to better understand yourself and the world around you.
• Listen to or watch something that motivates you.
• Give yourself a Pep Talk or helpful reflective thinking.
•  Start with small manageable goals to feel accomplishment along the way.
• Power Poses
•  What are some other options you can think of? _______________________________________________________________

Step 2: Believe in your ability to improve - It’s not about doing things perfect the first time around, it’s about your ability to learn and improve along the way. 

• Fixed Mindset - The belief that your talents/abilities are locked in place at birth.
• Growth Mindset - The belief that abilities can improve.  

Watch a video about it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75GFzikmRY0https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75GFzikmRY0

Did you know? Neuroscience has proven that connections in the brain get stronger, as do abilities, the more you practice something.

"What you practice always grows stronger."

Step 3:  Practice Failure - We all fail sometimes. Those who fail and keep trying, face challenges in a constructive way by trying different strategies, look for advice or learn through trial and error will have gained knowledge and understanding.

Examples: JK Rowling - Harry Potter Book rejected 12 times before it was published. Wright Brothers - created flight through multiple attempts with trial and error. 

Exercise: 

Take on a challenge, big or small. What will it be? 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

1. Start small with manageable steps to feel some accomplishment here and there without getting too overwhelmed (so you won’t give up early in the game).
2. Use Trial and Error multiple times to gain knowledge and improve.
3. Realize it will probably not be easy and that you’ll make mistakes. Be kind to yourself when you make mistakes. The growth process thrives with Positive reinforcers like being encouraging to your yourself and practicing patience. Negative reinforcers, such as negative self talk or giving up too early will shut down motivation and the learning process. 

Author: 

Charity Loring, LMSW

Clinical Mental Health Therapist

Loring Therapy LLC

Garden City, MI

Loringtherapy.com

#therapyhelps

#loringtherapy

What's the difference between Guilt & Shame? How do we overcome them? Here's how:

It is important to know that overcoming guilt and shame does not mean you are letting yourself off the hook. It is merely determining responsibility, ownership, acceptance and making amends with what has occurred. 

Guilt - Based on negative Actions - What makes us feel guilty? What makes us feel shame? Both guilt and shame are closely connected to our emotions and we tend to feel them when we believe we have violated a rule that is important to us. Every person has their own set of intrinsic rules that are standards for how we should live our lives. We often tend to feel guilty when we perceive that we have done something wrong, or broke one our rules. Have you ever found yourself saying, “I should have done this”, or “I ought to have done that”? These kinds of thoughts are associated with feelings of guilt. This is because we feel that we should have done something better or more close to our standards. 

Shame - Based on negative sense of self - When we feel shame, we also tend to feel we have done something wrong. However, feelings of shame are connected to a highly negative view of ourselves. Shame can leave us feeing, inadequate, flawed, awful and no good. Moreover, secretiveness often surrounds shame and we may believe that others would think less of us if they knew “the secret”. Or that revealing our secret would result in criticism, condemnation or rejection. Because of this, we often do not share our feelings of shame, which, when remains hidden, can be emotionally destructive. 

So how can we begin to overcome our guilt and shame? Below are 5 aspects to consider:

1. Assess the seriousness of your actions. To begin assessing the seriousness of your actions you have to consider if the actions were small or large events. How you determine this will be based on your own internal rules. You can complete a thought record to help evaluate the situation and decide if the evidence supports the thought/behavior to warrant the degree of guilt/shame you are feeling. You can also ask yourself some of the following questions to obtain a different perspective on the situation: Would a friend consider this situation to be as serious as you do? Would other people consider it less serious? Why? How important will this situation be to you in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or 5 years from now? Can any damage that occurred be corrected? How long would this take? And was there an even worse action that you considered and avoided? 

2. Weighing personal responsibility.  One way to weigh the responsibility for your guilt and shame is to complete a responsibility pie chart. To do this, you would start by listing the situation/event which contributed to your feelings and then list all the individuals/things involved in the situation/event. Once you have these listed, you can draw your pie chart in slices reflecting the appropriate amount of responsibility each person/thing played in the situation. Be sure to draw your slice last, as to not assign too much blame to yourself before considering other parts. Being able to visualize the responsibility can help to decide your course of action.

3. Breaking the silence. As mentioned, secretiveness often surrounds shame. Therefore, an important method to overcoming shame, is to be able to share with a person with whom you trust. Also, when you do decide to share, ensure that you have adequate time to be open and receive essential feedback. 

4. Self-forgiveness. Recognize that part of being  human is knowing that we all make mistakes and being a good person does not mean that you will never do something bad. Self-forgiveness includes recognizing your good and bad qualities, as well as your weaknesses and strengths. All of us at some point have violated a rule or standard. To forgive ourselves we have to change our interpretation of the mistakes we made. For example, changing your thought of “I made this mistake because I am a bad person”, to “This mistake happened during a difficult time in my life and when I didn’t care how I behaved” “This is not who I am as a person”. "I have learned from this and will do better in the future."

5. Making amends for the harm done. If harm was done related the the experience or situation it is important to make amends. This involves recognizing your wrongdoings, being able to face the person you hurt, asking for forgiveness and determining what you will do to repair the hurt and damage that occurred. 

By utilizing these 5 aspects you can minimize or even eliminate the guilt and shame you have felt. It is important to know that overcoming guilt and shame does not mean you are letting yourself off the hook. It is merely, determining responsibility, ownership, acceptance and making amends with what has occurred. 

Written By: Lara Pomnitz, graduate level intern.

Edited by Charity Loring, LMSW Loring Therapy, LLC http://www.loringtherapy.com/

Adapted from: Mind Over Mood

You don't have to be "Crazy" to get Therapy.

Getting therapy does not mean that you are "crazy" as society wants us to believe.

I respect the fact that it takes a level of bravery to step outside one's comfort zone to seek help in times of trouble.   Therapy can be empowering and exercises our emotional potential. 
To be completely honest, it's an honor  to work with those who are attempting to seek help in bettering their lives.

When should someone seek therapy? 
A few idicators:

When you feel confused and want an objective perspective combined with empathy.
When you feel no one understands you, and/or you feel that you don't understand yourself.
When you feel "not yourself" for a noticeable length of time.
When someone has tried everything known to them to improve their life, and it doesn't seem to be working. 
When Loss has occurred.  
When unhealthy patterns in someone's life don't seem to go away.
When it becomes difficult to balance actions, decisions, thoughts or emotions. 
When you need emotional support and not judgement. 
When negative feelings persist.
When life seems to become unbearable.
When you use unhealthy things to cope.
When it appears Anger is a common response for you.
When it appears that Sadness is a common response for you.
When something traumatic has happened.
When you want to learn techniques on how to improve yourself and your life.

Therapy can be an empowering tool.  It strengthens your brain, learning patterns and emotional well-being.  For more inforation, go to: loringtherapy.com

Loring Therapy, LLC is based in Michigan, but provides Counseling throughout the United States.  Sessions can be in-person or via Skype.