Comparing Disconnects us from Others and Ourselves.

The activity of comparing yourself with others is a major trigger for a drop in self esteem, causing us to feel shame. Some people say that comparing sometimes helps them to become a better person. But if you are comparing yourself to another, and trying to be better than them, you are not becoming a better person, you're just trying to be better than someone else. This can cause disconnectedness.

The trouble is that when we compare ourselves with others,  our seeing is distorted. We become blind to our own value, while dismissing the real worth we already have. 

• Comparing is learned.

This comparing of ourselves we come by honestly. After all, we are raised in a society that teaches us to compare ourselves to others.

• Comparisons disconnect us from others. Whether we are introverted or extroverted, we all need to feel connected to others. When we compare, we ambush this possibility.

Less Than-

If we compare ourselves we can feel  less than, depressed, and then we want to withdraw from others so they won't see us as unlovable or incapable as we see ourselves. We end up feeling alone.

Better Than-

If we compare ourselves and feel that we are better than the other, we may feel superior and dismissive. And we are once again alone.

• The Good News: Comparing is a choice and can be unlearned. This will then connect us closer to other people.

When we are committed to our own well being, and recognize the harm we do to ourselves, we can learn to stop.

We can commit to telling ourselves something like, "I refuse to be so mean to myself (or the other). I am merely different from ____. I have my own unique value." And if you are in the superior mode you can add, "And they have their own unique value too."

At first it may be a struggle to replace your self talk. But with practice, often the hurtful comparisons will stop as soon as you recognize that you are making them.

If you find it difficult to change this by yourself, seeking out group therapy or individual therapy is helpful.

If YOU have found ways to stop comparing yourself, I'd love to hear what you did. I'm always looking for new ways to help people with this.

Written by Charity Loring, LMSW

Loring Therapy LLC

www.loringtherapy.com

Adapted from psychology today article, "how to wreck your self-esteem by comparing"

Basic ways to mend a Relationship

While each relationship is different, many times a conflict may arise. The way to resolve conflicts within a relationship are often as unique as the relationship itself however, some basic principles may help:

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State you recognize there is a problem and that you are sincere in your desire to correct it.

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Make the relationship a priority and nurture it.

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Do something kind for the other person, even if things are shaky at the moment a kind word or act can often help.

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Ask the other person what they would like changed and state it back to them so they know they were heard.

• Listen to hear not to respond.

• Before you make requests of your partner to change, make sure that you are willing to create change within  yourself as well.

Taken from Insights/Blogs in Psychology Today, May/June, 2013 Volume 46, Issue 3

By James Clapper, graduate level intern, Charity Loring, LMSW, Loring Therapy LLC

www.loringtherapy.com

Saying No

It is often easy to say yes, it can make one feel good, it can make others feel good, it shows you are being cooperative, perhaps even friendly but, there is also a time to say no. Sometimes we must say no so that we can strengthen our relationship with others. If we consistently find ourselves saying yes even when we are feeling stretched thin, or for any unhealthy reasons, we can tend to resent others and ourselves for saying yes too often. There are ways of saying no nicely and respectfully. And if saying no will keep resentment and the feeling of being taken for granted or obligated out of the equation, then it will truly strengthen our relationships with others.

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Saying no does not mean you are a negative person.

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Saying no does not mean you do not like the other person.

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There are many reasons to say no:

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to protect yourself from harm

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to prevent being exploited by others

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to avoid a commitment to a project when you already have one of your own

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to avoid becoming over burdened with too many responsibilities

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to maintain your morals or beliefs.  

You have a right to say no, and in some cases, an obligation to do so. Saying yes is often easy, saying no may be difficult but is sometimes both needed and the right thing to do.

 

Adapted from the Psychology Today article “The Power of No,” November/December, 2013, Volume 46, Issue 6

By James Clapper Graduate level intern and Charity Loring LMSW, Loring Therapy LLC

www.loringtherapy.com

Needing Therapy but are having difficulty getting out of the house?

For those who are homebound or have difficulty finding a therapist nearby, Loring Therapy, LLC offers mental health therapy sessions online via Skype. 

Contact Charity Loring, LMSW through the following website:

www.loringtherapy.com

Do you feel lonely and isolated?

 

Not feeling good about who you are can be lonely and isolating.

Some people feel like they are a fraud. They feel that if others discover their flaws, then nobody will want them.

But if you are open and genuine about who you are, not only will people discover your flaws, but they will also discover your qualities.

Being human means that you have both.

As a Therapist, one of the many things I've noticed in regards to people feeling lonely or isolated is a common thread of feeling "different" as well as fear of rejection. So where might you start when trying to break the pattern of isolating yourself from others so you don't feel alone? Start re-connecting with others that you may know and trust by just a simple phone call, text or email. Reaching out is the first step in becoming less isolated. possibly join a common interest group or volunteer association so that you will have at least one thing in common with others to talk about. 

If these things don't seem to work, consider Face-to-face support groups that can offer the opportunity to slowly come put of your shell in a supportive environment. There you will find people who share similar experiences and who can truly understand what you may be going through.

Another option is individual therapy. You can explore your fears, concerns and any other issues with your therapist in a nonjudgmental and therapeutic environment.

 For a list of Therapeutic Support Groups in the metro Detroit area offered by Loring Therapy, LLC, go to:  http://www.meetup.com/Emotional-Support-Collaborative/ 

For affordable individual therapy in the metro Detroit area, go to:

Loringtherapy.com

Author: Charity Loring, LMSW

Loring Therapy, LLC

Challenge Your Negative Thinking

 Everyone has had doubts about something at one point or another in his or her life. This is a normal part of being human, wondering if we are making the right choice, or doing the right thing. For some people, however, negative thinking can become a way of life. Every action or thought becomes an internal dialogue, beating yourself up internally about what is happening or going on. There are ways to challenge such thoughts. Slow down and ask yourself:

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What prompted the thought?

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What happened, what was the situation?

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Am I looking at this the right way?

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Is there a more realistic way to view this situation or its outcome?

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Are these thought helping my situation or hurting it?

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What can I do differently?

By challenging the thoughts, one can begin to learn to view situations differently the next time they arise and find ways to overcome them. However, if self help techniques are not working, contact your local therapist for more help.

Adapted from the article “Think This, Not That,’ by Rita A. Schulte in “Counseling Today,” June, 2013, Volume 55, Issue 12

By James Clapper, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy LLC

Loringtherapy.com

 

Your Self Esteem

Building your self-esteem

For many people, they are their own worst critic. They can feel that they should do things better, or could have been more than they are. Such negative thoughts are often wrong, and can interfere with being happy or moving forward. They need to learn to challenge such thoughts. One of the most effective methods to do so is to write it out, use a journal to track and challenge these thoughts. Include what the thought is, when it started, and what happened that made you think this way. Then challenge those thoughts by writing how others may see you, what your friends or family say, and another way of looking at the situation, what are the positives. Humor is another effective tool, find something humorous in the situation itself.

Adapted from the article “Quieting the Inner Critic” by Laurie Meyers in “Counseling Today,” February 2014, Volume 56, issue 8.

By James Clapper, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy

You are not alone

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Improving your sleep can improve your mental health.

The lack of sleep or poor quality of sleep has been shown to increase, and perhaps even cause depression, anxiety, and stress. It can have negative effects on the heart and immune system and negatively impact emotional well being.

Ways to improve your sleep:

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Avoid exercising too close to bed time. Exercise is wonderful for the mind and body, but exercising too close to bed time can stimulate the mind and keep you awake.

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Avoid using the computer, cell phones, or watching television too close to bed time. Electronic devices stimulate the brain and can keep you from sleeping. Allow at least one hour without such devices before bed time.

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Have a set bed time and routine. A set routine helps prepare your mind and body to rest and sleep.

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Try deep breathing exercises. Breathing exercises can be relaxing and help your mind to calm down from the day’s activities preparing it to rest for the night.

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Avoid using stimulants, such as coffee and nicotine before bed time.

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Avoid eating large meals within one to two hours before bed time.

Adapted from “Tossing and turning in the Digital Age,” by Laurie Meyers in Counseling Today (June, 2014, Volume 56/Issue 12)

By James Clapper, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy, LLC

Loringtherapy.com

Overcoming Your Fears

How you can overcome your fears

Do not ignore your fear, acknowledge it. Try to identify the source or trigger of your fear. Write down or journal when it happens and what causes it. A journal can help identify the fear and help track your progress toward overcoming it.

Define the scope of the fear. Use the journal to help keep track of and discover when the fear started, how it affects you, and is the fear reasonable (is it a fear of something that can actually harm you).

Imagine life without your fear. What would your life be like if you did not have the fear? Set smaller goals to help bring about the changes you imagine.

Start slow. Slowly make the changes needed to overcome the fear.

Keep Trying. Be prepared for set-backs along the way as there may be times when the fear may resurface, but do not let it deter you, keep trying.

Celebrate each step. Each step toward your goal is a victory, recognize it as such and celebrate it.

 

By James Clapper, graduate level intern, Loring Therapy LLC

Loringtherapy.com