How You can overcome Social Anxiety

How Can You Overcome Social Anxiety?

Find The Source – Try to determine the source of the anxiety. Think back to when the problem started and look at how you have  or have not resolved it in the past as a guide to helping yourself now and in the future.
You don't have to be "The life of the Party" to be social - Just be you.  Focus on your strengths.  Are you a good listener? A kind person? A good observer? Do you share an interest with others? The world needs good communicators but it also needs good listeners.

Take a Deep Breath – Deep breathing exercises can help reduce stress, and in turn, reduce the anxiety response.
Take Small Steps – Try starting out with smaller groups and build up to larger ones.

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of It – Many times people talk themselves out of doing things they want to do by focusing on the negatives, try focusing on the positives when such thoughts occur.

Take Someone With You – Having a friend or someone you already know with you can help reduce social anxiety.

Distract Yourself – When you begin to feel anxious, try thinking about something else, perhaps think about what you are going to eat for lunch or dinner, etc. to occupy your mind.

Rehearse – Practice with a friend or small group prior to going to a larger group to build your confidence.

Take breaks when you need them - If you are feeling overwhelmed, there is nothing wrong with taking short breaks to recuperate. Go to the bathroom, go outside for fresh air etc.

If all else fails, seek the help of a Therapist - You don't have to be "crazy" to get therapy.  Therapy helps to exercise the mind and develop better coping skills.  If you go to the Gym to exercise your body, consider going to a Therapist to exercise your mind.

By Charity Loring, LMSW & James Clapper, Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy, LLC
www.Loringtherapy.com
Adapted from:  : http://voices.yahoo.com/10-tips-coping-social-anxiety-1882392.html

How you deal with Negative Thoughts

How You Can Deal With Negative Thoughts

Depression can cause you to view everything in a negative light, from your daily living to how you view the future.  Trying to simply “snap out of it” or “think positive” often will not help unless you replace the negative thoughts with more even thinking.

How can you Challenge such Negative Thinking?

Do not be hard on yourself – Do not place expectations on yourself that you would not expect of others

Realize you are not Perfect – Allow yourself to make mistakes, no one is perfect and mistakes are a chance to learn, not the end of the world.

Spend Time with more Positive People – The people you spend time with will often shape how you view things. Spend time with more positive friends and try to adopt their attitudes.

Keep a “Negative Thought Journal” – When you have negative thoughts write them down, then write down a more positive or realistic view of the situation, event, etc. This can help change your way of thinking and viewing things.

Do not View Things as “Black or White” – Allow for a middle ground or “grey area,” most things in life are not all good or all bad (e.g. a disagreement with a loved one over one issue does not mean one or the other is right, just a different viewpoint).

Do not Over-Generalize – Just because one thing does not work, does not mean everything will not, or that it will always happen.

Do not Ignore the Positive – It can become easy to look for the flaw and ignore the good, focus on what is going right and less on what is going wrong.

Do not Jump to Conclusions or Assume – Many times it is easy to assume the worst or jump to a conclusion, often negative, without looking at all of the evidence or waiting for the outcome.

Do not use Emotional Reasoning – Do not base your beliefs on how you feel, instead focus on what is actually happening (e.g. I feel bad, therefore I am no good, which is not the truth of the situation),

Do not hold Yourself to a Strict List of Should and ShouldNots – You will often end up feeling bad over not living up to such a strict list, allow room for all that is in between those extremes.

Do not Label Yourself Based on Mistakes – Realize if you make a mistake it does not make you a failure, etc. We all make mistakes they do not define who we are.  

By: James Clapper – Graduate Level Intern, Loring Therapy, LLC

Adapted from:http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

Do you need a Natural (and free!) Way to Overcome Depression?

Do You Need a Natural (and free!) Way to Overcome Depression?

Many people experience depression at some point in their lives. For some it may be brief but for others it can become a more long-term problem. Depression can make it difficult to get anything done (from working to being with friends or family to enjoying fun activities or hobbies), but there are some simple (and often free) ways you can reduce or overcome depression.

The first way one can reduce or overcome depression is: to get outside. Studies have shown thirty minutes of sunlight per day has many benefits, including helping to regulate your sleep/wake cycle, which can help one sleep better, and reduce depression.

The second way to reduce or overcome depression is: aerobic exercise. Try to get your heart rate up to 120-160 beats per minute, preferably for 30 minutes, three times per week (check with your doctor first). Increasing your heart rate increases blood flow and oxygen distribution throughout your body, which can help reduce depression.

The third way to reduce depression is: omega-3 fatty acids, which can come from taking fish oil pills, multi-vitamins, or eating foods high in omega-3, including fish and healthy vegetables. Omega-3 fatty acids help improve the function of the brain and the neural activity within it, which can help reduce depression.

The fourth way to reduce depression is: to get a good night’ssleep. Avoid stimulating activities before bed, including television, use of a computer, or cell phone. Avoid activities that over stimulate the mind, focus on calming activities close to bed time. Avoid caffeine and alcohol. Proper rest can tremendously reduce depression.

The fifth way to reduce depression is: to be with friends or family (in-person, not online). Enjoying social activities, going to dinner or a movie, or just spending time together, talking, etc. stimulates the mind and helps reduce depression.

The sixth way to reduce depression is: avoid dwelling on problems or negative thoughts. While not easy, it is possible to catch yourself and tell yourself to stop dwelling on the bad and focus on the good. Visualize a stop sign or stoplight each time you find yourself focusing or dwelling on the bad if it helps and instead think about the good things in life, look for the positives and focus on them. If this is too difficult to do on your own, consider seeking the help of a therapist or supportive group therapy.

By James Clapper, graduate level intern, Loring Therapy

(Adapted from: http://zenhabits.net/6-practical-and-powerful-ways-to-overcome-depression/)

Anger is not the Bad Guy

Anger isn't the Bad Guy.

Anger can be Healthy and Toxic.

Anger is a natural human emotion. Anger is a powerful emotion. The answer is not to suppress anger, but to harness it. Anger can make us strive for an outcome and not run from it in many different scenarios. Anger can actually help us solve problems.

For example, let's say someone has been in a very unhealthy relationship for a long time and they truly know it's not good for them to stay in the relationship. Their partner has recently left them. Many internal things take place such as; sadness, hurt, disappointment, low self worth, and anger, just to name a few. When someone feels abandoned or rejected, they tend to feel low self worth and disappointment moreso than maybe some of the other feelings. When they feel this way, they may strive to get that person or relationship back so they no longer feel the low self worth and disappointment. But that is a temporary fix. The relationship was unhealthy to begin with, so more than likely it will continue to be unhealthy if both parties don't put a great deal of effort towards changing it. So if that person knows that they should not be in the relationship, but feel torn because they want the person back so they don't feel lonely and rejected, then Anger can actually come in handy.

Due to Anger being a powerful emotion, it can sometimes trump insecurities and help someone remember how they were wronged and how often, possibly keeping things like unhealthy relationships, abuse or any form of mistreatment at bay. There is an Anger Recalibration Theory studied by Cosmides, Tooby and Sells that allows someone to regulate how they perceive or recalibrate their own sense of self worth. If someone mistreats you, Anger can remind you that you don't have to allow mistreatment. Anger allows people to stand up for themselves. Anger can be unleashed or it can be harnessed. But Anger should never be suppressed. When people suppress anger, it rarely disappears, it tends to build up over time and then eventually makes it's way out in unhealthy ways such as abuse, yelling, alcohol /substance abuse, self harm as well as many other forms. Anger can be helpful as long as “the flame is kept low” according to Harvard’s Professor Learner. Anger can be harnessed with Assertiveness. Assertiveness allows a person to address a problem or share an opinion while respecting themselves and others. If someone lacks Assertiveness, and instead is more Aggressive, Passive or Passive-Aggressive, there is still hope. Assertiveness can be learned over time with practice. Some people study Assertiveness using self help books or get individualized instruction from a Therapist.

Anger on a biological level raises the heart rate, blood pressure, testosterone level (in men and women) and in essence, allows the body to let off steam according to Psychologists Charles Carver of the University of Miami and Eddie H. Jones of the University of New South Wales. Although high levels of the Anger response can be unhealthy, moderate to mild levels of anger cause the stress hormone, cortisol to drop which can, at times, help people to calm down and get ready to face a problem head on. When Anger is taking place, the left anterior cortex of the brain is activated. This area of the brain deals with approach behaviors that push people toward wanting outcomes or reaching goals. When this region of the brain is active, it can lead to feelings of pleasure when someone feels they can move towards making a situation better by approaching it. Basically, when we get angry, we tend to want to approach a situation to try and eliminate a problem. When the blood pressure raises, and the cortisol lowers, something as simple as venting can, at times, calm someone enough to think more rationally. But venting needs to be done in a way where it is not harming others or ourselves. Venting to a trusted friend, family member or an objective third party like a Therapist can be helpful when dealing with Anger.

Anger is not always the Bad Guy. It's what we DO with the Anger that can turn it into the Bad Guy or possibly even turn it into the Productive Guy.

Author:

Charity M. Loring, LMSW

Loring Therapy, LLC

Providing Affordable Therapy to the Metro Detroit Area

Loringtherapy.com

References:

Harvard University

University of New South Wales

University of Miami

Psychologytoday

Making requests without sounding like a "Jerk".

How to make a request without sounding like a "Jerk".

(AKA: Making a request while respecting yourself and the other person)

Being Assertive with expressing yourself means being in control of your own behavior without trying to control anothers behavior. Making requests of other people is simply stating what we would like to happen. We then leave it up to them whether they will follow through on the request or not. Assertively making a request allows you to express your need while respecting yourself and the other person. It is sometimes very difficult to make a request without feeling a sense of guilt or as if you are being unfair, selfish, or just an outright "Jerk". Some approaches do not work very well, namely, the Passive approach, Aggressive approach or the Passive-Aggressive approach. However, the Assertiveness approach can prove to be quite useful. Can you relate to a Passive, Aggressive or Passive-Aggressive approach?

Passive Request – Most Passive people do not make requests because they may feel they don't have the right, or that they will be rejected.

Aggressive Request – Aggressive people tend to not request things, but instead, demand them.

Passive Aggressive Request – People who tend to be Passive aggressive tend to not make requests or demands, instead they use manipulation.

Assertive Request – Make a request while respecting yourself and the other person. Use DESO method below

How can we work towards making requests? 1. remember to treat yourself and the other person with respect when making any request. 2. Ask yourself what you would like to happen. 3. Decide what you think would actually be reasonable, given the circumstances. 4. Word your request as a request not as a demand.

Assertive Request - Describe, Express, Specify, Outcome (DESO)

Describe – Describe the situation “I noticed that the lawn needs cutting.” Or if you are describing someone's behavior, focus on the behavior don't make it personal. “You haven't yet done the chore you agreed to.” NOT “You're lazy and inconsiderate!”

Express – Express how you are feeling. Don't “let them have it”, a simple statement will do. “I'm not feeling considered.” NOT “I can't stand it anymore, you selfish jerk!”

• Tips on expressing yourself – * Emphasize the positive emotions you wish you were having than on the negative emotions you are currently feeling. “I want to feel closer to you, but I don't at the moment.” * Stay calm. * Use “I” statements. “I feel disregarded” NOT “You always disregard me!” * Avoid Martyrdom – Don't overemphasize your feelings and take on the “poor me” role. This tactic uses guilt to control others whether it's intentional or not.

Specify – Specify what you would like to happen.

• Tips on Specifying - * Be clear but brief. “I'd like you to take on the upstairs chores.” NOT “I wish you would do more around the house!” * Frame the request positively. Say what you want, not what you don't want. “”I'd like the upstairs to be finished by the end of the week.” NOT “Don't be so lazy about your chores!” *Focus on behavior. Don't ask for changes in how the person thinks or feels. Focus on what you would like them to do. “I'd like you to treat me with more respect.” NOT “You are so disrespectful!”

Outcome – Describe what you think the outcome will be if the other person does or does not go along with your request. Outcomes can be feelings or Results. Feelings - “If you do that, I think I will feel much better.” Results – I think if we work together, we can get done sooner and enjoy our time together.” Or, a result could be a reward “If you do that, I'll take over the downstairs chores.” Sometimes the result will be a punishment. Use punishment sparingly. You can get much more with rewards. “If you don't do your end of the chores, then we can't have company over this weekend as we planned.”

• Outcome tip – Don't use vague or excessive outcome statements. Otherwise people will never take you seriously. “If you don't do your end of the chores, I will not speak to you for a year!” Or, “If you don't you are going to get it!” (get what?) Be specific and realistic when making outcome statements.

Exercise: Write a DESO script of your own. Practice it in private, practice it with a trusted individual, then practice it with the person with whom you would like to make the request.

Resources: “The Assertiveness Workbook” R. J. Paterson, Ph.D., “Resilience”, Dartmouth.edu

Adapted by: Loringtherapy.com 

From A Therapist's Perspective

Weighing out options.
Asking important life questions.
Learning to cope with the world around us.

These are just a few reasons people seek me out for Therapy.

From my perspective, I offer my surrounding community the possibility to have Mental Wellness. I believe Mental Wellness is just as important as Physical Wellness.

In Therapy with my clients:

* I help people understand the truth behind their actions and emotions.

* I teach people what the healthy alternatives are to their actions and emotions.

* I show clients that their deepest darkest fears can be faced in the safety of my office which will then give them the courage to face their fears in the outside world as well as in themselves.

*  I take my clients out of denial and into awareness.

*  I show my clients to not blame themselves and others, but to learn from themselves and others.

*  I teach my clients that life will give them crutches, but that crutches are meant to be temporary. I show them that inner worth and coping skills should be strengthened to get them through rough times when the crutches fail or should no longer be used.

* I show my clients compassion so that they can create compassion towards themselves and others.

* I teach my clients to find balance between thoughts and  emotions so that they can find solutions to their problems.

* I show my clients that there is not one answer but multiple answers to the issues they face in their lives.

* I listen to my clients when no one else will listen to them.

* I challenge my clients when no one else will challenge them.

* I teach my clients coping skills where others may have failed to do so.

* I instill in my clients that they are not to blame the past, but to shed light on  the past so they can learn to better understand themselves and move forward in their lives.

* I show my clients that they cannot control others, but there are therapeutic techniques to control themselves.

*  I teach my clients to forgive themselves and others. I teach my clients that forgiveness is a way of not letting themselves or others off the hook, but a way to learn from past mistakes and set themselves free from past anguish, sadness and resentment.

*  I laugh with my clients. I sympathize with my clients. I empathize with my clients. I give guidance to my clients.

* I show my clients that if they can face themselves, inner demons and all, they can face anything.

*  I am able to do all of these things for my clients, due to the thousands of hours of training I went through in my college education, but also, because I had to first learn to do all of these things with myself.

Author:  Charity M Loring, LMSW
Loringtherapy.com
Loring Therapy, LLC serves the Southeast Metro Detroit area in Michigan.

You don't have to be "Crazy" to get Therapy.

Getting therapy does not mean that you are "crazy" as society wants us to believe.

I respect the fact that it takes a level of bravery to step outside one's comfort zone to seek help in times of trouble.   Therapy can be empowering and exercises our emotional potential. 
To be completely honest, it's an honor  to work with those who are attempting to seek help in bettering their lives.

When should someone seek therapy? 
A few idicators:

When you feel confused and want an objective perspective combined with empathy.
When you feel no one understands you, and/or you feel that you don't understand yourself.
When you feel "not yourself" for a noticeable length of time.
When someone has tried everything known to them to improve their life, and it doesn't seem to be working. 
When Loss has occurred.  
When unhealthy patterns in someone's life don't seem to go away.
When it becomes difficult to balance actions, decisions, thoughts or emotions. 
When you need emotional support and not judgement. 
When negative feelings persist.
When life seems to become unbearable.
When you use unhealthy things to cope.
When it appears Anger is a common response for you.
When it appears that Sadness is a common response for you.
When something traumatic has happened.
When you want to learn techniques on how to improve yourself and your life.

Therapy can be an empowering tool.  It strengthens your brain, learning patterns and emotional well-being.  For more inforation, go to: loringtherapy.com

Loring Therapy, LLC is based in Michigan, but provides Counseling throughout the United States.  Sessions can be in-person or via Skype.