Making requests without sounding like a "Jerk".

How to make a request without sounding like a "Jerk".

(AKA: Making a request while respecting yourself and the other person)

Being Assertive with expressing yourself means being in control of your own behavior without trying to control anothers behavior. Making requests of other people is simply stating what we would like to happen. We then leave it up to them whether they will follow through on the request or not. Assertively making a request allows you to express your need while respecting yourself and the other person. It is sometimes very difficult to make a request without feeling a sense of guilt or as if you are being unfair, selfish, or just an outright "Jerk". Some approaches do not work very well, namely, the Passive approach, Aggressive approach or the Passive-Aggressive approach. However, the Assertiveness approach can prove to be quite useful. Can you relate to a Passive, Aggressive or Passive-Aggressive approach?

Passive Request – Most Passive people do not make requests because they may feel they don't have the right, or that they will be rejected.

Aggressive Request – Aggressive people tend to not request things, but instead, demand them.

Passive Aggressive Request – People who tend to be Passive aggressive tend to not make requests or demands, instead they use manipulation.

Assertive Request – Make a request while respecting yourself and the other person. Use DESO method below

How can we work towards making requests? 1. remember to treat yourself and the other person with respect when making any request. 2. Ask yourself what you would like to happen. 3. Decide what you think would actually be reasonable, given the circumstances. 4. Word your request as a request not as a demand.

Assertive Request - Describe, Express, Specify, Outcome (DESO)

Describe – Describe the situation “I noticed that the lawn needs cutting.” Or if you are describing someone's behavior, focus on the behavior don't make it personal. “You haven't yet done the chore you agreed to.” NOT “You're lazy and inconsiderate!”

Express – Express how you are feeling. Don't “let them have it”, a simple statement will do. “I'm not feeling considered.” NOT “I can't stand it anymore, you selfish jerk!”

• Tips on expressing yourself – * Emphasize the positive emotions you wish you were having than on the negative emotions you are currently feeling. “I want to feel closer to you, but I don't at the moment.” * Stay calm. * Use “I” statements. “I feel disregarded” NOT “You always disregard me!” * Avoid Martyrdom – Don't overemphasize your feelings and take on the “poor me” role. This tactic uses guilt to control others whether it's intentional or not.

Specify – Specify what you would like to happen.

• Tips on Specifying - * Be clear but brief. “I'd like you to take on the upstairs chores.” NOT “I wish you would do more around the house!” * Frame the request positively. Say what you want, not what you don't want. “”I'd like the upstairs to be finished by the end of the week.” NOT “Don't be so lazy about your chores!” *Focus on behavior. Don't ask for changes in how the person thinks or feels. Focus on what you would like them to do. “I'd like you to treat me with more respect.” NOT “You are so disrespectful!”

Outcome – Describe what you think the outcome will be if the other person does or does not go along with your request. Outcomes can be feelings or Results. Feelings - “If you do that, I think I will feel much better.” Results – I think if we work together, we can get done sooner and enjoy our time together.” Or, a result could be a reward “If you do that, I'll take over the downstairs chores.” Sometimes the result will be a punishment. Use punishment sparingly. You can get much more with rewards. “If you don't do your end of the chores, then we can't have company over this weekend as we planned.”

• Outcome tip – Don't use vague or excessive outcome statements. Otherwise people will never take you seriously. “If you don't do your end of the chores, I will not speak to you for a year!” Or, “If you don't you are going to get it!” (get what?) Be specific and realistic when making outcome statements.

Exercise: Write a DESO script of your own. Practice it in private, practice it with a trusted individual, then practice it with the person with whom you would like to make the request.

Resources: “The Assertiveness Workbook” R. J. Paterson, Ph.D., “Resilience”, Dartmouth.edu

Adapted by: Loringtherapy.com