How Can I Have True Love?

Do I need to look sexier? Do I need to be less picky? Do I need to look for a ‘different type’ of person?  Do I need to look in different places?  Do I need to read a specific book?  In being a Mental Health Therapist, I’ve heard many questions like this and more from clients. The answer to all of these questions is, No. 

A loving relationship should enhance our identity, not replace it or damage it.

The way to have true love is to have a healthy relationship with another person AND a healthy relationship with yourself. 

There are multiple things to be considered. I will cover some of the most crucial ones.

1. If you want your partner to have certain qualities, be prepared to bring similar qualities and healthy boundaries to the table so that you can both share your strengths with each other. 

Here are some examples:

“I want someone who won’t take advantage of my good nature.”

You won’t find this person until you become a someone who will not allow others to take advantage of your good nature. You can still be compassionate, caring and giving, but do so while not sacrificing your dignity and self respect. It’s not about finding “the perfect person” it’s about setting healthy boundaries within yourself.

“I want someone who does not have anger management problems”

You will only find this person if you yourself do not have anger problems. You will also have to possess healthy boundaries that will not allow another to use you as a target for their anger. We all get angry sometimes, but there is a difference between feeling angry and actually taking anger out on another person. You have to set your own parameters to attract a person who will treat you well.

“I want someone who takes care of themselves.” 

Perfect! But you will also need to take care of yourself just as much as you would want a partner to take care of their own well being. 

“I want someone who is not insecure.”

Great! As long as you also are not insecure, you will attract a compatible partner. But let’s be real for a minute. Everyone has some level of insecurity. So if you want someone with low, manageable levels of insecurity, you must also have the same. 

“I want someone who will emotionally support me.”

Absolutely! But be prepared to reciprocate.

“I want someone who is a good communicator.”

Excellent! Are you a good communicator?

2. Love does not conquer all

One of the hardest things people have to do in life is leave a partner they still love. Why does this happen? Well, there are plenty of times where people fall in love but find they are not compatible and/or that they have sacrificed some of their most basic human needs like their dignity and self respect.  There are people who are “in love” that abuse each other emotionally and physically. There are people “in love” that have very little in common, including similar life goals. There are people “in love” that think all their relationship problems will be solved or go away because of their love, but find that this never happens unless they put forth the challenging work to actually solve their problems together. 

So in essence, love plays a part in a healthy relationship, but not the ONLY part. Other important factors that need to be included in a relationship are respect, communication, problem solving, independence, compassion, active listening, and care for oneself and the other person, not just one or the other.

Author: Charity M. Loring, LMSW, Clinical Mental Health Therapist. loringtherapy.com

What is "Fly on the Wall" Therapy?

As a Mental Health Therapist, I sometimes practice a Couples Counseling Therapeutic Technique I created called "Fly on the Wall" Therapy.

What is "Fly on the Wall" Therapy?

"Fly on the Wall" Therapy is a technique used when the couple is in session with the Therapist but only 1 person gets to speak for 1/2 hour with the therapist while the other person observes. The last 1/2 hour of the session, both people have equal opportunity to communicate with the Therapist and each other.  The following session allows the next person to have the first 1/2 hour to communicate with the Therapist while the other person observes. Sometimes "Fly on the Wall" Therapy consists of dedicating the first 1/2 hour to one person, then the last 1/2 hour to the other person.

Why do this?

1. It fosters a safe environment for each person to express how they truly feel with a professional involved. 
There may be times when an individual may be fearful to express something important to their partner.  When a Therapist is present, it is the Therapist's job to make sure there are no interruptions or arguments and that the individual gets their due time in being heard. A professional Therapist makes sure that everything being communicated is done so in a respectful and open manner.

2. It teaches Active Listening.
Active Listening is a Counseling Technique where the Listener is attentive to what the other person is saying without interruption.  During active listening, the Listener is encouraged to try to not formulate their response until the other person is done talking. Once it is the Listeners time to speak, they will reflect back, without opinion, what the other person said while making eye contact with their partner. Once the reflection is done, then the Listener responds with their own opinion and feedback.

3.  Most times, in the first 1/2 hour, the Speaker tends to be very honest about their perspective on their partners actions AND their own actions.
When someone is in a Therapy Session where they know their perspective is being over heard, they tend to take more accountability for their actions than if their partner was not in the room. This allows for more self reflection and personal responsibility on the speakers end.

This Technique can also be used at home as a Therapeutic exercise for Couples.  Although there is not the participation of a professional to mediate, it is still a good exercise for practicing Active Listening and Personal Accountability.

Author: Charity M. Loring, LMSW
Ms. Loring is a Clinical Therapist in her Private Practice, Loring Therapy LLC.
Loring Therapy LLC is located in Garden City, MI.
www.loringtherapy.com