Effective Communication - THINK Skill

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Exercise

THINK

T - Think from other’s perspective“They never showed up. That’s unlike them. Is something going on?”
H - Have Empathy
“I hope they’re ok.”
I - Interpretation
“Do they not want to meet with me? Or am I only thinking that because I’m triggered?”
N - Notice how they’ve tried or are struggling.
“They really seemed that they wanted to get together. So maybe they do want to meet with me but something possibly went wrong?”
K - Kindness
Leave voicemail - “I’m here at the place we were supposed to meet. It’s unlike you to not show up so I hope everything is ok.”

Loringtherapy.com

How Can I Have True Love?

Do I need to look sexier? Do I need to be less picky? Do I need to look for a ‘different type’ of person?  Do I need to look in different places?  Do I need to read a specific book?  In being a Mental Health Therapist, I’ve heard many questions like this and more from clients. The answer to all of these questions is, No. 

A loving relationship should enhance our identity, not replace it or damage it.

The way to have true love is to have a healthy relationship with another person AND a healthy relationship with yourself. 

There are multiple things to be considered. I will cover some of the most crucial ones.

1. If you want your partner to have certain qualities, be prepared to bring similar qualities and healthy boundaries to the table so that you can both share your strengths with each other. 

Here are some examples:

“I want someone who won’t take advantage of my good nature.”

You won’t find this person until you become a someone who will not allow others to take advantage of your good nature. You can still be compassionate, caring and giving, but do so while not sacrificing your dignity and self respect. It’s not about finding “the perfect person” it’s about setting healthy boundaries within yourself.

“I want someone who does not have anger management problems”

You will only find this person if you yourself do not have anger problems. You will also have to possess healthy boundaries that will not allow another to use you as a target for their anger. We all get angry sometimes, but there is a difference between feeling angry and actually taking anger out on another person. You have to set your own parameters to attract a person who will treat you well.

“I want someone who takes care of themselves.” 

Perfect! But you will also need to take care of yourself just as much as you would want a partner to take care of their own well being. 

“I want someone who is not insecure.”

Great! As long as you also are not insecure, you will attract a compatible partner. But let’s be real for a minute. Everyone has some level of insecurity. So if you want someone with low, manageable levels of insecurity, you must also have the same. 

“I want someone who will emotionally support me.”

Absolutely! But be prepared to reciprocate.

“I want someone who is a good communicator.”

Excellent! Are you a good communicator?

2. Love does not conquer all

One of the hardest things people have to do in life is leave a partner they still love. Why does this happen? Well, there are plenty of times where people fall in love but find they are not compatible and/or that they have sacrificed some of their most basic human needs like their dignity and self respect.  There are people who are “in love” that abuse each other emotionally and physically. There are people “in love” that have very little in common, including similar life goals. There are people “in love” that think all their relationship problems will be solved or go away because of their love, but find that this never happens unless they put forth the challenging work to actually solve their problems together. 

So in essence, love plays a part in a healthy relationship, but not the ONLY part. Other important factors that need to be included in a relationship are respect, communication, problem solving, independence, compassion, active listening, and care for oneself and the other person, not just one or the other.

Author: Charity M. Loring, LMSW, Clinical Mental Health Therapist. loringtherapy.com

CONFIDENCE - You are not born with it, you Create it.

3 steps to Building Confidence

(Building Confidence is a natural treatment for Depression & Anxiety) 

Step 1:  Quick Fix - Creating confidence is a long term goal. To help keep you motivated, use positive reinforcers and create short term goals, AKA “Quick Fix’s” to encourage along the way. 

• Picture what your success would look like.
•  Be informed. Give yourself helpful knowledge through research to better understand yourself and the world around you.
• Listen to or watch something that motivates you.
• Give yourself a Pep Talk or helpful reflective thinking.
•  Start with small manageable goals to feel accomplishment along the way.
• Power Poses
•  What are some other options you can think of? _______________________________________________________________

Step 2: Believe in your ability to improve - It’s not about doing things perfect the first time around, it’s about your ability to learn and improve along the way. 

• Fixed Mindset - The belief that your talents/abilities are locked in place at birth.
• Growth Mindset - The belief that abilities can improve.  

Watch a video about it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75GFzikmRY0https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75GFzikmRY0

Did you know? Neuroscience has proven that connections in the brain get stronger, as do abilities, the more you practice something.

"What you practice always grows stronger."

Step 3:  Practice Failure - We all fail sometimes. Those who fail and keep trying, face challenges in a constructive way by trying different strategies, look for advice or learn through trial and error will have gained knowledge and understanding.

Examples: JK Rowling - Harry Potter Book rejected 12 times before it was published. Wright Brothers - created flight through multiple attempts with trial and error. 

Exercise: 

Take on a challenge, big or small. What will it be? 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

1. Start small with manageable steps to feel some accomplishment here and there without getting too overwhelmed (so you won’t give up early in the game).
2. Use Trial and Error multiple times to gain knowledge and improve.
3. Realize it will probably not be easy and that you’ll make mistakes. Be kind to yourself when you make mistakes. The growth process thrives with Positive reinforcers like being encouraging to your yourself and practicing patience. Negative reinforcers, such as negative self talk or giving up too early will shut down motivation and the learning process. 

Author: 

Charity Loring, LMSW

Clinical Mental Health Therapist

Loring Therapy LLC

Garden City, MI

Loringtherapy.com

#therapyhelps

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Dance Therapy

You don't have to know how to dance to attend. All Women are welcome!

I have combined my years of knowledge as a Mental Health Therapist and Dance Instructor to create this helpful workshop to Mentally and Physically strengthen you through the the gentle, flowing moves of Belly Dance. So let's learn to get out of our heads and into our bodies to fully experience the movement of dance!

I will be teaching new Beginner Belly Dance Moves & Choreography along with Stress reduction techniques and Therapeutic self acceptance exercises. Women of all ages, shapes, sizes and skill sets are welcome! 

Dancers for Life School of Dance is located on the east side of Middlebelt Rd in a small plaza between Ramey's and Auto Zone. Feel free to join us Saturday May 7th, 2016 at 2:30 PM for a 1.5 hour workshop. $10 at Dancers for Life Studio in Garden City. You can show up at the door and pay or RSVP here and pay at the door.

Wear workout clothes, a skirt or anything you feel comfortable dancing in. Bring a scarf to wrap around your waist to accent your hip movements. It doesn't have to be a coin scarf, any scarf will do. There will also be brand-new belly dance scarves sold at the workshop for $20.  

You can wear tennis shoes, dance shoes, ballet slippers, or bare feet. Just don't wear socks by themselves as the floor is slippery.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1532178157086043/

Self Image / Dance Therapy

Self Image / Dance Therapy for Women

Do you judge and compare yourself to others? 

Do you want to feel more comfortable in your own mind and body? 

I have combined my years of knowledge as a Mental Health Therapist and Dance Instructor to create this helpful workshop. 

I will be teaching Stress reduction techniques and Therapeutic self acceptance exercises through the form of Belly dance. You don't have to know how to dance to attend! Women of all ages, shapes, sizes and skill sets are welcome! Wear workout clothes or anything you feel comfortable dancing in. Bring a scarf to wrap around your waist to accent your hip movements. It doesn't have to be a coin scarf, any scarf will do. There will also be brand-new belly dance scarves sold at the workshop for $20. 

You can wear tennis shoes, dance shoes, ballet slippers, or bare feet. Just don't wear socks by themselves as the floor is slippery.Dancers for life dance studio is located in a small plaza between AutoZone and Ramey's. It's also located directly across the street from Villa Bakery. Parking is in the rear.

What's the difference between Guilt & Shame? How do we overcome them? Here's how:

It is important to know that overcoming guilt and shame does not mean you are letting yourself off the hook. It is merely determining responsibility, ownership, acceptance and making amends with what has occurred. 

Guilt - Based on negative Actions - What makes us feel guilty? What makes us feel shame? Both guilt and shame are closely connected to our emotions and we tend to feel them when we believe we have violated a rule that is important to us. Every person has their own set of intrinsic rules that are standards for how we should live our lives. We often tend to feel guilty when we perceive that we have done something wrong, or broke one our rules. Have you ever found yourself saying, “I should have done this”, or “I ought to have done that”? These kinds of thoughts are associated with feelings of guilt. This is because we feel that we should have done something better or more close to our standards. 

Shame - Based on negative sense of self - When we feel shame, we also tend to feel we have done something wrong. However, feelings of shame are connected to a highly negative view of ourselves. Shame can leave us feeing, inadequate, flawed, awful and no good. Moreover, secretiveness often surrounds shame and we may believe that others would think less of us if they knew “the secret”. Or that revealing our secret would result in criticism, condemnation or rejection. Because of this, we often do not share our feelings of shame, which, when remains hidden, can be emotionally destructive. 

So how can we begin to overcome our guilt and shame? Below are 5 aspects to consider:

1. Assess the seriousness of your actions. To begin assessing the seriousness of your actions you have to consider if the actions were small or large events. How you determine this will be based on your own internal rules. You can complete a thought record to help evaluate the situation and decide if the evidence supports the thought/behavior to warrant the degree of guilt/shame you are feeling. You can also ask yourself some of the following questions to obtain a different perspective on the situation: Would a friend consider this situation to be as serious as you do? Would other people consider it less serious? Why? How important will this situation be to you in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or 5 years from now? Can any damage that occurred be corrected? How long would this take? And was there an even worse action that you considered and avoided? 

2. Weighing personal responsibility.  One way to weigh the responsibility for your guilt and shame is to complete a responsibility pie chart. To do this, you would start by listing the situation/event which contributed to your feelings and then list all the individuals/things involved in the situation/event. Once you have these listed, you can draw your pie chart in slices reflecting the appropriate amount of responsibility each person/thing played in the situation. Be sure to draw your slice last, as to not assign too much blame to yourself before considering other parts. Being able to visualize the responsibility can help to decide your course of action.

3. Breaking the silence. As mentioned, secretiveness often surrounds shame. Therefore, an important method to overcoming shame, is to be able to share with a person with whom you trust. Also, when you do decide to share, ensure that you have adequate time to be open and receive essential feedback. 

4. Self-forgiveness. Recognize that part of being  human is knowing that we all make mistakes and being a good person does not mean that you will never do something bad. Self-forgiveness includes recognizing your good and bad qualities, as well as your weaknesses and strengths. All of us at some point have violated a rule or standard. To forgive ourselves we have to change our interpretation of the mistakes we made. For example, changing your thought of “I made this mistake because I am a bad person”, to “This mistake happened during a difficult time in my life and when I didn’t care how I behaved” “This is not who I am as a person”. "I have learned from this and will do better in the future."

5. Making amends for the harm done. If harm was done related the the experience or situation it is important to make amends. This involves recognizing your wrongdoings, being able to face the person you hurt, asking for forgiveness and determining what you will do to repair the hurt and damage that occurred. 

By utilizing these 5 aspects you can minimize or even eliminate the guilt and shame you have felt. It is important to know that overcoming guilt and shame does not mean you are letting yourself off the hook. It is merely, determining responsibility, ownership, acceptance and making amends with what has occurred. 

Written By: Lara Pomnitz, graduate level intern.

Edited by Charity Loring, LMSW Loring Therapy, LLC http://www.loringtherapy.com/

Adapted from: Mind Over Mood

You can face your Social Anxiety using Exposure Therapy

If you ever have experienced social anxiety, then you know just how difficult and challenging it can be to find yourself in social situations. However, a key factor to being able to overcome your fears is being able to face them. You can face your anxiety through a technique known as exposure therapy. Exposure therapy, simply put, incorporates the act of exposing yourself to the feared situation or anxiety inducing situation and learning ways of overcoming the fear. Exposure therapy is clinically proven to help individuals overcome fears and anxiety.  Below are some tips to aid in the process of exposing yourself to assist in overcoming anxiety: 

You can begin by identifying your catastrophic belief related to your anxiety. Your catastrophic belief is your belief associated with the anxiety inducing situation, that overestimates the likely hood of a negative event to occur. Most often, people with social anxiety overestimate the degree to which others are evaluating and criticizing them. Furthermore, they believe that they are unable to cope with the criticism, rather it be real or imagined criticism. 

Try the gradual exposure approach. This can be done by breaking down your fears into a series of steps, starting with mildly challenging steps and increasing in difficulty.  You can do this by creating a list of situations which elicit anxiety or fear and then number how much distress you would feel if you were in each situation. Then rank each situation from the least distressing to the most distressing situation. The first exposure attempt should be difficult enough to induce some anxiety but easy enough that you feel able to complete it. It is extremely important as to not try and confront a very difficult/feared situation to soon, because you have the potential to become overly anxious which can induce a panic attack. A negative experience such as this, would only strengthen the connection between the fear and the setting.

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat. A key factor to overcoming your anxiety is to repeatedly place yourself in the same situation until you feel very little to no anxiety inducing distress from the situation. This means placing yourself in the situation frequently enough to become habitual. If your exposures are too far apart your fear will rise again by the next time you attempt the exposure. 

Prolong the exposure. Another key factor to ensuring effectiveness of the exposure is to remain in the situation until your anxiety level decreases. It is very common behavior to want to escape the situation the moment the fear or anxiety appears. However, when we leave or avoid an anxiety inducing situation we will further strengthen our belief that the situation causes anxiety. Furthermore, due to the decrease in anxiety once out of the situation, we come to believe avoidance to be a helpful strategy. However, by staying in the situation until our anxiety decreases, we actually help ourselves to feel less anxiety when confronted with the same situation again. 

As we find ourselves in anxiety inducing situations, it is important to remember to remain in the situation until the anxiety has decreased, as this is an important aspect in being able to overcome the anxiety. However, if you feel your anxiety level is too high, you may find that you will benefit from taking a timeout from the feared situation. 

For example, if you were attending a wedding you can choose to either step outside for a moment or break away to the bathroom. During your timeout, you can allow yourself time to think over the situation and rationalize the anxiety. Remember what your catastrophic belief is and think about how it may be effecting your ability to overcome the situation. Try some deep breathing or other therapeutic stress reduction exercises if needed. Once, you feel less anxiety, you can then go back to the wedding. Keep reminding yourself of your goal and how essential the exposure is to your ability to overcome. 

Written By: Lara Pomnitz, graduate level intern.

Edited by Charity Loring, LMSW Loring Therapy, LLC http://www.loringtherapy.com/