How to
make a request without sounding like a "Jerk".
(AKA:
Making a request while respecting yourself and the other person)
Being
Assertive with expressing yourself means being in control of your own
behavior without trying to control anothers behavior. Making
requests of other people is simply stating what we would like to
happen. We then leave it up to them whether they will follow through
on the request or not. Assertively making a request allows you to
express your need while respecting yourself and the other person. It is sometimes very difficult to make a request without feeling a sense of guilt or as if you are being unfair, selfish, or just an outright "Jerk". Some approaches do not work very well, namely, the Passive approach, Aggressive approach or the Passive-Aggressive approach. However, the Assertiveness approach can prove to be quite useful. Can
you relate to a Passive, Aggressive or Passive-Aggressive approach?
Passive
Request – Most Passive people do not make requests because they
may feel they don't have the right, or that they will be rejected.
Aggressive
Request – Aggressive people tend to not request things,
but instead, demand them.
Passive
Aggressive Request – People who tend to be Passive
aggressive tend to not make requests or demands, instead they use
manipulation.
Assertive
Request – Make a request while respecting yourself and
the other person. Use DESO method below
How
can we work towards making requests?
1. remember to treat yourself and the other person with respect when
making any request. 2. Ask yourself what you would like to happen. 3.
Decide what you think would actually be reasonable, given the
circumstances. 4. Word your request as a request not as a demand.
Assertive
Request - Describe, Express, Specify, Outcome (DESO)
Describe
– Describe the situation “I noticed that the lawn needs cutting.”
Or if you are describing someone's behavior, focus on the behavior
don't make it personal. “You haven't yet done the chore you agreed
to.” NOT “You're lazy and inconsiderate!”
Express
– Express how you are feeling. Don't “let them have it”, a
simple statement will do. “I'm not feeling considered.” NOT “I
can't stand it anymore, you selfish jerk!”
- Tips on expressing yourself – * Emphasize the positive emotions you wish you were having than on the negative emotions you are currently feeling. “I want to feel closer to you, but I don't at the moment.” * Stay calm. * Use “I” statements. “I feel disregarded” NOT “You always disregard me!” * Avoid Martyrdom – Don't overemphasize your feelings and take on the “poor me” role. This tactic uses guilt to control others whether it's intentional or not.
Specify
– Specify what you would like to happen.
- Tips on Specifying - * Be clear but brief. “I'd like you to take on the upstairs chores.” NOT “I wish you would do more around the house!” * Frame the request positively. Say what you want, not what you don't want. “”I'd like the upstairs to be finished by the end of the week.” NOT “Don't be so lazy about your chores!” *Focus on behavior. Don't ask for changes in how the person thinks or feels. Focus on what you would like them to do. “I'd like you to treat me with more respect.” NOT “You are so disrespectful!”
Outcome
– Describe what you think the outcome will be if the other person
does or does not go along with your request. Outcomes can be feelings
or Results. Feelings - “If you do that, I think I will feel much
better.” Results – I think if we work together, we can get done
sooner and enjoy our time together.” Or, a result could be a reward
“If you do that, I'll take over the downstairs chores.” Sometimes
the result will be a punishment. Use punishment sparingly. You can
get much more with rewards. “If you don't do your end of the
chores, then we can't have company over this weekend as we planned.”
- Outcome tip – Don't use vague or excessive outcome statements. Otherwise people will never take you seriously. “If you don't do your end of the chores, I will not speak to you for a year!” Or, “If you don't you are going to get it!” (get what?) Be specific and realistic when making outcome statements.
Exercise:
Write a DESO script
of your own. Practice it in private, practice it with a trusted
individual, then practice it with the person with whom you would like
to make the request.
Resources:
“The Assertiveness Workbook” R. J. Paterson, Ph.D., “Resilience”,
Dartmouth.edu
Adapted
by: Loringtherapy.com