Negativity Bias in the Brain & how to H.E.A.L. it

H.E.A.L - Negativity Bias in our brains.  Enhancing Happiness in your life

Negativity Bias - Everyone’s brain has a negativity bias. Our brain has evolved a hair-trigger readiness to go negative. It’s initial use in our evolution was from a survival standpoint. Our brains evolved to recognize that ‘bad things’ have more urgency than good ones, which saved our lives. However, in modern society today, we rarely face life threatening situations like we did when we were prey, but our brains are still wired to be ‘Velcro’ for the negative and ‘Teflon’ for the positive.

As a Therapist, I have many modalities I use to help people get what they are searching for in their lives. But I find that one of the more helpful approaches for our Negativity Biased brains is the H.E.A.L. method developed by Neuropsychologist, Dr. Rick Hanson. It helps our neurons to fire together, then wire together.

H.E.A.L. is not positive thinking. It is a way to enhance present positive moments that typically take place in your life. It balances our brains to to dwell on the positive rather than constantly overreact to the negative.

H - Have a positive experience that’s already present. Example: Being close to someone.

E - Enrich it. Stay with the positive experience for 5-10 seconds or longer. Open to it emotionally and physically. Let it fill your mind, enjoy it. Get those neurons firing, so they’ll really wire together. Example: Being close to someone. Open to the emotions you are having in the situation. Physically feel your emotions in your body. Does it feel like your chest is warm? Do you feel a contentment or excitement in your body?

A - Absorb it. Make a conscious decision that the experience is sinking into you as you sink into it. Let it really land in your mind.

L - (optional) - Link positive and negative material. Example: When you are feeling liked or loved by this person, link this experience with past feelings of lonliness.

*Author - Charity M. Loring, LMSW.  Loring Therapy LLC

Effective Communication - THINK Skill

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Exercise

THINK

T - Think from other’s perspective“They never showed up. That’s unlike them. Is something going on?”
H - Have Empathy
“I hope they’re ok.”
I - Interpretation
“Do they not want to meet with me? Or am I only thinking that because I’m triggered?”
N - Notice how they’ve tried or are struggling.
“They really seemed that they wanted to get together. So maybe they do want to meet with me but something possibly went wrong?”
K - Kindness
Leave voicemail - “I’m here at the place we were supposed to meet. It’s unlike you to not show up so I hope everything is ok.”

Loringtherapy.com

How Can I Have True Love?

Do I need to look sexier? Do I need to be less picky? Do I need to look for a ‘different type’ of person?  Do I need to look in different places?  Do I need to read a specific book?  In being a Mental Health Therapist, I’ve heard many questions like this and more from clients. The answer to all of these questions is, No. 

A loving relationship should enhance our identity, not replace it or damage it.

The way to have true love is to have a healthy relationship with another person AND a healthy relationship with yourself. 

There are multiple things to be considered. I will cover some of the most crucial ones.

1. If you want your partner to have certain qualities, be prepared to bring similar qualities and healthy boundaries to the table so that you can both share your strengths with each other. 

Here are some examples:

“I want someone who won’t take advantage of my good nature.”

You won’t find this person until you become a someone who will not allow others to take advantage of your good nature. You can still be compassionate, caring and giving, but do so while not sacrificing your dignity and self respect. It’s not about finding “the perfect person” it’s about setting healthy boundaries within yourself.

“I want someone who does not have anger management problems”

You will only find this person if you yourself do not have anger problems. You will also have to possess healthy boundaries that will not allow another to use you as a target for their anger. We all get angry sometimes, but there is a difference between feeling angry and actually taking anger out on another person. You have to set your own parameters to attract a person who will treat you well.

“I want someone who takes care of themselves.” 

Perfect! But you will also need to take care of yourself just as much as you would want a partner to take care of their own well being. 

“I want someone who is not insecure.”

Great! As long as you also are not insecure, you will attract a compatible partner. But let’s be real for a minute. Everyone has some level of insecurity. So if you want someone with low, manageable levels of insecurity, you must also have the same. 

“I want someone who will emotionally support me.”

Absolutely! But be prepared to reciprocate.

“I want someone who is a good communicator.”

Excellent! Are you a good communicator?

2. Love does not conquer all

One of the hardest things people have to do in life is leave a partner they still love. Why does this happen? Well, there are plenty of times where people fall in love but find they are not compatible and/or that they have sacrificed some of their most basic human needs like their dignity and self respect.  There are people who are “in love” that abuse each other emotionally and physically. There are people “in love” that have very little in common, including similar life goals. There are people “in love” that think all their relationship problems will be solved or go away because of their love, but find that this never happens unless they put forth the challenging work to actually solve their problems together. 

So in essence, love plays a part in a healthy relationship, but not the ONLY part. Other important factors that need to be included in a relationship are respect, communication, problem solving, independence, compassion, active listening, and care for oneself and the other person, not just one or the other.

Author: Charity M. Loring, LMSW, Clinical Mental Health Therapist. loringtherapy.com

CONFIDENCE - You are not born with it, you Create it.

3 steps to Building Confidence

(Building Confidence is a natural treatment for Depression & Anxiety) 

Step 1:  Quick Fix - Creating confidence is a long term goal. To help keep you motivated, use positive reinforcers and create short term goals, AKA “Quick Fix’s” to encourage along the way. 

• Picture what your success would look like.
•  Be informed. Give yourself helpful knowledge through research to better understand yourself and the world around you.
• Listen to or watch something that motivates you.
• Give yourself a Pep Talk or helpful reflective thinking.
•  Start with small manageable goals to feel accomplishment along the way.
• Power Poses
•  What are some other options you can think of? _______________________________________________________________

Step 2: Believe in your ability to improve - It’s not about doing things perfect the first time around, it’s about your ability to learn and improve along the way. 

• Fixed Mindset - The belief that your talents/abilities are locked in place at birth.
• Growth Mindset - The belief that abilities can improve.  

Watch a video about it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75GFzikmRY0https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75GFzikmRY0

Did you know? Neuroscience has proven that connections in the brain get stronger, as do abilities, the more you practice something.

"What you practice always grows stronger."

Step 3:  Practice Failure - We all fail sometimes. Those who fail and keep trying, face challenges in a constructive way by trying different strategies, look for advice or learn through trial and error will have gained knowledge and understanding.

Examples: JK Rowling - Harry Potter Book rejected 12 times before it was published. Wright Brothers - created flight through multiple attempts with trial and error. 

Exercise: 

Take on a challenge, big or small. What will it be? 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

1. Start small with manageable steps to feel some accomplishment here and there without getting too overwhelmed (so you won’t give up early in the game).
2. Use Trial and Error multiple times to gain knowledge and improve.
3. Realize it will probably not be easy and that you’ll make mistakes. Be kind to yourself when you make mistakes. The growth process thrives with Positive reinforcers like being encouraging to your yourself and practicing patience. Negative reinforcers, such as negative self talk or giving up too early will shut down motivation and the learning process. 

Author: 

Charity Loring, LMSW

Clinical Mental Health Therapist

Loring Therapy LLC

Garden City, MI

Loringtherapy.com

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Dance Therapy

You don't have to know how to dance to attend. All Women are welcome!

I have combined my years of knowledge as a Mental Health Therapist and Dance Instructor to create this helpful workshop to Mentally and Physically strengthen you through the the gentle, flowing moves of Belly Dance. So let's learn to get out of our heads and into our bodies to fully experience the movement of dance!

I will be teaching new Beginner Belly Dance Moves & Choreography along with Stress reduction techniques and Therapeutic self acceptance exercises. Women of all ages, shapes, sizes and skill sets are welcome! 

Dancers for Life School of Dance is located on the east side of Middlebelt Rd in a small plaza between Ramey's and Auto Zone. Feel free to join us Saturday May 7th, 2016 at 2:30 PM for a 1.5 hour workshop. $10 at Dancers for Life Studio in Garden City. You can show up at the door and pay or RSVP here and pay at the door.

Wear workout clothes, a skirt or anything you feel comfortable dancing in. Bring a scarf to wrap around your waist to accent your hip movements. It doesn't have to be a coin scarf, any scarf will do. There will also be brand-new belly dance scarves sold at the workshop for $20.  

You can wear tennis shoes, dance shoes, ballet slippers, or bare feet. Just don't wear socks by themselves as the floor is slippery.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1532178157086043/

Self Image / Dance Therapy

Self Image / Dance Therapy for Women

Do you judge and compare yourself to others? 

Do you want to feel more comfortable in your own mind and body? 

I have combined my years of knowledge as a Mental Health Therapist and Dance Instructor to create this helpful workshop. 

I will be teaching Stress reduction techniques and Therapeutic self acceptance exercises through the form of Belly dance. You don't have to know how to dance to attend! Women of all ages, shapes, sizes and skill sets are welcome! Wear workout clothes or anything you feel comfortable dancing in. Bring a scarf to wrap around your waist to accent your hip movements. It doesn't have to be a coin scarf, any scarf will do. There will also be brand-new belly dance scarves sold at the workshop for $20. 

You can wear tennis shoes, dance shoes, ballet slippers, or bare feet. Just don't wear socks by themselves as the floor is slippery.Dancers for life dance studio is located in a small plaza between AutoZone and Ramey's. It's also located directly across the street from Villa Bakery. Parking is in the rear.

What's the difference between Guilt & Shame? How do we overcome them? Here's how:

It is important to know that overcoming guilt and shame does not mean you are letting yourself off the hook. It is merely determining responsibility, ownership, acceptance and making amends with what has occurred. 

Guilt - Based on negative Actions - What makes us feel guilty? What makes us feel shame? Both guilt and shame are closely connected to our emotions and we tend to feel them when we believe we have violated a rule that is important to us. Every person has their own set of intrinsic rules that are standards for how we should live our lives. We often tend to feel guilty when we perceive that we have done something wrong, or broke one our rules. Have you ever found yourself saying, “I should have done this”, or “I ought to have done that”? These kinds of thoughts are associated with feelings of guilt. This is because we feel that we should have done something better or more close to our standards. 

Shame - Based on negative sense of self - When we feel shame, we also tend to feel we have done something wrong. However, feelings of shame are connected to a highly negative view of ourselves. Shame can leave us feeing, inadequate, flawed, awful and no good. Moreover, secretiveness often surrounds shame and we may believe that others would think less of us if they knew “the secret”. Or that revealing our secret would result in criticism, condemnation or rejection. Because of this, we often do not share our feelings of shame, which, when remains hidden, can be emotionally destructive. 

So how can we begin to overcome our guilt and shame? Below are 5 aspects to consider:

1. Assess the seriousness of your actions. To begin assessing the seriousness of your actions you have to consider if the actions were small or large events. How you determine this will be based on your own internal rules. You can complete a thought record to help evaluate the situation and decide if the evidence supports the thought/behavior to warrant the degree of guilt/shame you are feeling. You can also ask yourself some of the following questions to obtain a different perspective on the situation: Would a friend consider this situation to be as serious as you do? Would other people consider it less serious? Why? How important will this situation be to you in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or 5 years from now? Can any damage that occurred be corrected? How long would this take? And was there an even worse action that you considered and avoided? 

2. Weighing personal responsibility.  One way to weigh the responsibility for your guilt and shame is to complete a responsibility pie chart. To do this, you would start by listing the situation/event which contributed to your feelings and then list all the individuals/things involved in the situation/event. Once you have these listed, you can draw your pie chart in slices reflecting the appropriate amount of responsibility each person/thing played in the situation. Be sure to draw your slice last, as to not assign too much blame to yourself before considering other parts. Being able to visualize the responsibility can help to decide your course of action.

3. Breaking the silence. As mentioned, secretiveness often surrounds shame. Therefore, an important method to overcoming shame, is to be able to share with a person with whom you trust. Also, when you do decide to share, ensure that you have adequate time to be open and receive essential feedback. 

4. Self-forgiveness. Recognize that part of being  human is knowing that we all make mistakes and being a good person does not mean that you will never do something bad. Self-forgiveness includes recognizing your good and bad qualities, as well as your weaknesses and strengths. All of us at some point have violated a rule or standard. To forgive ourselves we have to change our interpretation of the mistakes we made. For example, changing your thought of “I made this mistake because I am a bad person”, to “This mistake happened during a difficult time in my life and when I didn’t care how I behaved” “This is not who I am as a person”. "I have learned from this and will do better in the future."

5. Making amends for the harm done. If harm was done related the the experience or situation it is important to make amends. This involves recognizing your wrongdoings, being able to face the person you hurt, asking for forgiveness and determining what you will do to repair the hurt and damage that occurred. 

By utilizing these 5 aspects you can minimize or even eliminate the guilt and shame you have felt. It is important to know that overcoming guilt and shame does not mean you are letting yourself off the hook. It is merely, determining responsibility, ownership, acceptance and making amends with what has occurred. 

Written By: Lara Pomnitz, graduate level intern.

Edited by Charity Loring, LMSW Loring Therapy, LLC http://www.loringtherapy.com/

Adapted from: Mind Over Mood